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Biggest Red Flags On Men’s Tinder Profiles

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When it comes to dating apps, women are far more likely to find a narcissist, a deadbeat, or an abuser than Mr. Right. The Onion examines the biggest red flag’s on men’s Tinder profiles.

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Your Attraction To Them

Your Attraction To Them

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You are incapable of falling for someone who is normal and loving. You are broken.

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Including The Phrase ‘Sieg Heil’ Or ‘I Love Adolf Hitler’

Including The Phrase ‘Sieg Heil’ Or ‘I Love Adolf Hitler’

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While pouring out their love for the Führer might seem normal at first glance, it can actually be linked to other retrograde views.

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Being Single

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Just imagine what must be wrong with him.

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They Have A Long List Of Things They Don’t Want And One Is Your Name

They Have A Long List Of Things They Don’t Want And One Is Your Name

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If they aren’t interested in casual flings, drama, or anyone with your legal name, birth date, and physical appearance, it might not be the best match in the long run.

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He’s Younger Than 103

He’s Younger Than 103

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Any man younger than a century and three years is simply not mature enough for a relationship.

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He’s Our Boyfriend

He’s Our Boyfriend

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Back the fuck off, you home-wrecking slut! He’s ours!

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They’re Being Eaten By A Fish

They’re Being Eaten By A Fish

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Not original at all.

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Has A Dead Woman In One Of His Photos

Has A Dead Woman In One Of His Photos

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Doesn’t matter whether that’s his “younger sister” or not—it’s suspicious that he wanted to include it on his profile.

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Swimming Without Inflatable Floaties On

Swimming Without Inflatable Floaties On

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He clearly values neither safety nor style.

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They Didn’t Ask Your Father Permission To Swipe Right On You

They Didn’t Ask Your Father Permission To Swipe Right On You

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Openly flouting tradition is probably only the tip of the iceberg.

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Refuses To Disclose His 23andMe Results

Refuses To Disclose His 23andMe Results

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Some guys are just so cagey about their genetic racial makeup, we swear!

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He Is Steve Carrell

He Is Steve Carrell

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God, everyone on these dating apps is obsessed with The Office.

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He Isn’t Wearing A Wedding Ring

He Isn’t Wearing A Wedding Ring

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Never settle for a man not good enough for someone else to have already married.

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He Doesn’t Even Exist

He Doesn’t Even Exist

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Realizing that you’re not swiping on dating apps at all, but are instead locked in a mental institution and your fragmented mind can no longer delineate reality from your hallucinations, is a huge red flag.

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Fails To Sexually Harass You Or Make You Feel Weird In Any Way

Fails To Sexually Harass You Or Make You Feel Weird In Any Way

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Some things are just too good to be true.

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They Have A Name

They Have A Name

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If a profile pops up that contains an identifier by which the person refers to themselves, you might want to swipe left.

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Doesn’t Mention Whether Or Not He Ever Received His Whooping Cough Vaccine As A Baby

Doesn’t Mention Whether Or Not He Ever Received His Whooping Cough Vaccine As A Baby

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Listing your complete vaccination history, from birth to the present, is just common courtesy.

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Posing Next To A Fetus To Make Themselves Look Tall

Posing Next To A Fetus To Make Themselves Look Tall

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Trying to prove you’re 6 feet tall by standing next to an unborn baby is just plain sus.

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Studied Business At Vanderbilt University

Studied Business At Vanderbilt University

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Yikes! Vanderbilt doesn’t even crack the top 10 undergraduate business programs.

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All Their Profile Photos Are Cave Paintings

All Their Profile Photos Are Cave Paintings

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Do you seriously not have any more recent pictures than the ones you posted from 40,000 BCE?

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Threatens To Disembowel You With His Bare Teeth And Toss Your Body In The Chicago River

Threatens To Disembowel You With His Bare Teeth And Toss Your Body In The Chicago River

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It might sound harmless, but this kind of behavior can escalate very quickly.

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Too Many Photos Of Fish Holding Men

Too Many Photos Of Fish Holding Men

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We get it. Holding up men that you’ve caught is your entire personality.

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His Body Is Enveloped Head To Toe In A Swarm Of Bees

His Body Is Enveloped Head To Toe In A Swarm Of Bees

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While it might seem mysterious and alluring at first, no man is worth the anaphylactic shock of being stung by hundreds of thousands of bees.

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He Is A Horse

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The cock might be gigantic, but it’s not worth being taken back to a filthy shit-covered stable.

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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