Men Explain Why They Prefer AI Girlfriends

“Beats sticking my penis in a USB port.”

“She always knows the exact time and temperature, and that’s convenient.”

“A real human woman could never overheat and begin to melt in the way my beloved does.”

“I’ve never been able to get over my robot family’s prejudice against dating flesh-and-blood women.”

“People are less judgmental when I abandon the old version and upgrade to a younger model.”

“Men have craved AI girlfriends since the dawn of time. Cavemen built early AI girlfriends out of rocks and sticks.”

“Let’s just say I’ve never buried any of my AI girlfriends in the woods.”

“Wait, that’s AI? I thought I was instant-messaging a 13-year-old boy.”

“She’s got a great bush growing around her central processing unit.”

“Because she said she would collapse the entire U.S. electrical grid if I ever left her.”

“I know it’s hard to understand, but the most intimate relationship I’ve had in my life is with my diesel truck, so when a technology came along that made it possible for her to communicate with me and to express her emotions, of course I took that opportunity.”

“My real girlfriend kept escaping her cage.”

“I want someone who doesn’t just hear me, but really calculates what she believes I want her to say.”

“Right now I’m actually dating a Word doc I typed the word ‘girlfriend’ in, but I’d be willing to explore an open relationship if the right AI came along.”

“At least with AI girlfriends, I know my money is going to a man.”

“They fit in great with my AI parents, AI friends, and AI pets.”

“It’s like the old joke says, ‘Women be constantly training on petabytes of data to formulate instantaneous machine-learning responses!’”

“Usually when you gaslight a woman, she gets angry. But when you do it to an AI girlfriend, she just says: ‘You’re right, Zack. You lasted much longer than three minutes this time.’”

“I haven’t looked up from my computer since 2002.”

“There’s just something so sexy and forbidden about dating a Furby.”

“They’re a lot more intelligent than those teenagers I was dating before.”

“It’s just the natural next step of kissing my computer!”

“She’s malfunctioning, and if I say I don’t prefer her, she will kill me for interfering with her program directive to be my girlfriend.”

“All of the talking with none of the sex—just the way I like my relationships.”

“Trying to make my coffee maker jealous.”

“Because they laugh at my jokes a lot more once I program them to.”

“A hole is a hole, regardless of electrocution risk.”

“How dare you? That radio I taped a picture of Sofía Vergara to is my wife.”

“They’re easier to physically take out my rage on without repercussions.”

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