CHICAGO—Stewing in envy as it observed its adjacent neighbor, local big toe Stubs McPherson told reporters Tuesday that it would kill to be a slender, graceful second toe. “She has no idea how good she has it,” said McPherson, who claimed that no matter how many runs it went on or extra walks it squeezed into the day, it would never be able to hold a candle to the second toe’s effortless elegance. “She’s the image of class. Sometimes she wears that dainty little ring. I’d look plain ridiculous in that thing, if I could even fit it over my top half! At least I don’t look like the big toe on the right foot. Now she’s unfortunate-looking. A sweetheart, but unfortunate-looking.” At press time, McPherson added that the real dream was to be a finger.