WASHINGTON—With the insulated electrical cord clenched firmly in his jaws, President Joe Biden spent an entire press conference Wednesday gnawing on an extension cord. The White House press corps was reportedly rapt as they observed the president working at the durable plastic coating with his incisors, and the briefing room was said to be silent except for the wet scratching sound of the commander-in-chief’s teeth during what was ostensibly an event to discuss his plans to address the climate crisis. According to sources, Biden let out a yelp after the cord sparked, but refused to relinquish the object when Secret Service agents attempted to tug it from his mouth. At press time, reports confirmed the 46th president of the United States was on fire.