WASHINGTON—Drawing stunned gasps from onlookers as he donned his signature eye patch and leather jacket, the man once known as President Joe Biden revealed Wednesday that he is, in fact, Delta Force operative Captain Robert Scott, on a mission since 1973 to investigate a major government cover-up. “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time I admit to you that there is no Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. from Scranton, PA—he was a ruse I ginned up to hoodwink the crooks behind a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top,” said Captain Scott, grinning, biting off the tip of a Montecristo Cuban cigar, and lighting it in front of a shocked press corps, whom he then jabbed at with his standard-issue trench knife. “Fifty-one years I’ve been on this case in deep cover. Fifty-one goddamn years. You know the thoughts that go through a man’s mind when he isn’t even sure who his own wife is anymore? I feel like I’ve lost my mind. Haven’t spoken to a soul about this whole thing since it started. Fact is, most of my contacts in the clandestine service are long dead. But it’ll all be worth it when the truth comes out. NSA, FBI, CIA—they’re filled with lackeys complicit in this cover-up. And when I enact my vengeance, it will be sweet. All you fuckers will be hearing from me real soon.” At press time, reports confirmed a signal on Scott’s earpiece had led him to nod solemnly and then rocket out of the White House on his jet pack.