Following the surge in platforms offering anti-vaxxers the opportunity to find love with like-minded individuals, The Onion examines the best bios from dating apps for the unvaccinated.
Best Bios From Dating Apps For The Unvaccinated
Elise
“Single mom of three dead kids.”
Kira
“I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to scream into an echo chamber that reinforces my dangerous and outdated ideologies.”
Austin
“Not interested in anyone willing to live past the age of 50.”
Angela
“Looking for a reason to delete this app. Hopefully it’s not because I’m in an iron lung!”
Helena
“Looking for the stupid Jim to my stupid Pam.”
Cara and Patrick
“We’re a couple looking for a third who believes being vegan can cure autism.”
Wells
“Pros and cons of dating me: Pros, I have the immune system of a newborn baby. Cons, I died last year.”
Benny
“Unmarried. Unjabbed. Unemployed. Unwilling to pay for anything.”
Yasmin
“How about we cuddle to the rustling sound of tinfoil covering every inch of my body to keep the microwaves out?”
Alex
“I think I’m on the wrong app, and I’m very scared.”
Jackie
“Body covered in tattoos = instant swipe left. Body covered in measles = instant swipe right.”
Colby
“My guilty pleasure: taking an Advil when the fever becomes too unbearable.”
Mary Anne
“I don’t spread my legs or rubella until at least the third date.”
Justin
“Fluent in sarcasm and misinformation.”
Jenny
“Find me on anti-vaxx Raya.”
Lorelai
“Travel junkie looking for a fellow adventurer who wants to smuggle me out of the country since I refuse to get the requisite vaccinations.”
Kayla
“Vaxxed woman seeking unvaccinated man with a great life insurance policy.”
Robert
“This is Robert’s daughter, Annie. Unfortunately, Robert passed away last night.”
Eleanor
“Pleaded insanity to avoid Jan. 6 jail time. Looking to start a family.”
Ben
“33 years old, never married. I have two forms of pox and want more.”
Penelope
“Pfizer chemist who is adamantly un-microchipped.”
Sam
“Ask me about the homemade antivirals I cook up in my spare toilet!”
Danielle
“My turn-ons: headache, fatigue, difficulty breathing.”
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“Siri how to cheat on wife?”