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Best Bios From Dating Apps For The Unvaccinated

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Following the surge in platforms offering anti-vaxxers the opportunity to find love with like-minded individuals, The Onion examines the best bios from dating apps for the unvaccinated.

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Elise

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“Single mom of three dead kids.”

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Kira

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“I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to scream into an echo chamber that reinforces my dangerous and outdated ideologies.”

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Austin

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“Not interested in anyone willing to live past the age of 50.”

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Angela

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“Looking for a reason to delete this app. Hopefully it’s not because I’m in an iron lung!”

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Helena

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“Looking for the stupid Jim to my stupid Pam.”

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Cara and Patrick

Cara and Patrick

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“We’re a couple looking for a third who believes being vegan can cure autism.”

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Wells

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“Pros and cons of dating me: Pros, I have the immune system of a newborn baby. Cons, I died last year.”

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Benny

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“Unmarried. Unjabbed. Unemployed. Unwilling to pay for anything.”

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Yasmin

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“How about we cuddle to the rustling sound of tinfoil covering every inch of my body to keep the microwaves out?”

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Alex

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“I think I’m on the wrong app, and I’m very scared.”

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Jackie

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“Body covered in tattoos = instant swipe left. Body covered in measles = instant swipe right.”

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Colby

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“My guilty pleasure: taking an Advil when the fever becomes too unbearable.”

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Mary Anne

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“I don’t spread my legs or rubella until at least the third date.”

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Justin

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“Fluent in sarcasm and misinformation.”

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Jenny

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“Find me on anti-vaxx Raya.”

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Lorelai

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“Travel junkie looking for a fellow adventurer who wants to smuggle me out of the country since I refuse to get the requisite vaccinations.”

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Kayla

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“Vaxxed woman seeking unvaccinated man with a great life insurance policy.”

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Robert

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“This is Robert’s daughter, Annie. Unfortunately, Robert passed away last night.”

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Eleanor

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“Pleaded insanity to avoid Jan. 6 jail time. Looking to start a family.”

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Ben

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“33 years old, never married. I have two forms of pox and want more.”

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Penelope

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“Pfizer chemist who is adamantly un-microchipped.”

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Sam

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“Ask me about the homemade antivirals I cook up in my spare toilet!”

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Danielle

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“My turn-ons: headache, fatigue, difficulty breathing.”

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

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“Siri how to cheat on wife?”

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