SILVER SPRING, MD—Amid a shortage caused by rising demand, manufacturing issues, and federal limits on production, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Friday that the inadequate supply of ADHD drugs was forcing more parents to beat their children. “Faced with out-of-stock pharmacies and few viable alternatives, many parents of children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder are left with no choice but to set their children straight the old-fashioned way,” said FDA spokesperson Lee Blunden, who explained that the weeks-long delays in obtaining Adderall, Vyvanse, Concerta, and other stimulants had led parents across the country to beat their children into submission. “Unfortunately, beating your children is only a stopgap measure. We’ve heard complaints from countless parents concerned that the shortage will affect their children’s performance in school, as they’re often too sore to sit still at their desks. Until manufacturers can boost the supply of mixed amphetamine salts, there is unfortunately very little we can do except to encourage you to give those little shits a good smack across the head.” At press time, Blunden added that parents should also consider shipping them off to military school.