Things No One Tells You Happen When You Fly First Class

In the event of a plane crash, while passengers in coach die agonizingly from impact injuries or jet fuel burns, surviving flight attendants will come around and quickly snap your neck.

If the plane ever hits some real turbulence, those other chumps are gonna be bouncing all over the main cabin.

First-class not only gets full meals, but shrimp and steak are prepared sizzling hot by Japanese chefs right in passengers’ laps.

Now that’s luxury.

Not into the flight anymore? The doors in first class aren’t locked, and you’re free to come and go as you please.

If Kevin Hart appeared in a movie you are watching, airlines will ensure he is digitally removed from every scene.

You’re practically sitting in the cockpit. You’ve earned this certificate of mastery.

If you’d like to get out at another airport, simply press the “stop” button above your armrest.

That’s him there, in row four.

Say goodbye to those piss-yellow, jagged stink-clouds you see from economy seating!

It’s your right as a member of the upper echelon of society to decide which of the poor scum in coach makes it to the airport alive.

Things just get easy in general.

Flight attendants will provide you with a privacy curtain if you should need one.

A button on the hand rest releases the 550-pound explosive, and it may be used over any but the most densely populated cities.

No pressure, but if you enjoy being spanked, the pilot will put the plane on auto and come out to give you a few solid whacks.

Most modern planes are outfitted with special equilibrium hydraulics that steady the first few rows of passengers in the aircraft and compensate by sending coach passengers thrashing about the cabin violently.

Small details like this really set first class apart from economy.

Neatly organized by row, this directory allows you to quickly get the phone number of that stud you saw at the gate or the address of that prick who rolled over your foot with his suitcase.

First-class passengers don’t have to settle for ESPN and a couple of movies from 2019.

If any of the lowly coach passengers want to do this, they have to pay $25 per punch.

That’s right, motherfuckers! Blankets for the fucking taking!

Lumber futures are looking good, old chum!

It clocks in at 136 minutes and stars Anya Taylor-Joy as a flight attendant and the voice of Robert Pattinson as a seat cushion desperate to become a flotation device.

First class is spoiled with the option to have actors perform Broadway hits such as Hamilton or Wicked.

Feel free to tune out the boring explanation of what to do in the event of an emergency. If there is an emergency landing, flight attendants are instructed to save you first.

They don’t say it outright, but flight attendants keep asking you if you’d like to try something “off menu.”

Sure, it’s fleeting. But you finally got a taste.