With Travis Kelce in the upcoming Super Bowl, Taylor Swift’s sellout Eras Tour stopping in Japan, and recent online attacks against both from far-right conspiracy theorists, the power couple’s relationship, which is less than a year old, is facing unprecedented pressure and public scrutiny. The Onion sat down with the pair in an exclusive interview to discuss their relationship, the challenges they’re facing, and their plans for the future.
Kelce: “I have a podcast.”
Swift: “I was nominated for a MTV Movie Award in 2010 for Best Kiss.”
Swift: “I’m sorry, but that’s a little familiar. Please call me Taylor Taylor.”
Kelce: “I’m not sure that I’ve ever been, but I’m sure it’s great.”
Swift: “Do you have any more questions? You only asked three so far and then trailed off into silence and started staring at the ceiling. Hello?”
Kelce: “No, I play sports.”
Swift: “I’m excited for the month called April to happen again this year.”
Kelce: “I’m excited to take a bubble bath on June 14, 2024.”
Kelce: “The deputy prime minister?”
Swift: “Travis, are you fucking serious? We went over this. Under the 2017 constitution, there are multiple deputy prime ministers serving concurrently. So there would probably be a vote among the Pheu Thai party to nominate a replacement from among their ranks. Probably, like, Phumtham Wechayachai or Somsak Thepsuthin.”
Kelce: “That’s a question for our publicists.”
Swift: “That he’s a mental infant who I can make do anything I want. And also his butt!”
Kelce: “Okay—thanks for asking!”
Swift: “Now this I like!”
Kelce: “I’ve written a song called ‘Hip And Hop, Hop And Hip’ with my cousin. No one I’ve shown it to likes it—they say it’s terrible, actually—but I feel like the time has come to put it on Bandcamp.”
Swift: “That’s what ‘Getaway Car’ is about, idiot. A two-wheeled foot-powered car.”
Swift: “Excuse me, that’s between us and the dead people lying next to us in the car crashes we have sex in!”
Swift: “Jason Kelce.”
Kelce: “Jason Kelce.”
Swift: “Yeah, huh, that’s so interesting. You know, because water is so necessary to life, but babies can’t have it.”
Kelce: “Wow, so babies don’t drink water? Huh. Interesting.”
The Onion: “Yeah. So interesting.”
Swift: “I like Tayvis, but he likes Travlor. We do agree that the middle name, regardless of gender, will be Banana Man.”
Andy Reid: “Hold on, I’ve got this. It’s a 12-way tie between the burger at Cosmo Burger, the burger at Waldo Café, the burger at Grand Street Lenexa, the burger at McDonald’s, the burger at Burger King, the burger at Danny’s Burger Shack, the burger at Winstead’s, the burger at HiBoy, the burger at Mugs Up, the burger at Town Topic, the burger at Humdinger, and the burger at Brewer’s Kitchen.”
Kelce and Swift [simultaneously]: “Eleutherodactylus locustus! Aw, babe!”
Swift: “They’re nice enough, but they won’t stop gifting me BlendJets. Every time I see them, Donna Kelce gives me a new BlendJet. I now own over 60 BlendJets, and none of them came with a receipt.”
Kelce: “I backed into one of their cars when I was backing out of the Buca di Beppo parking lot. I said sorry and offered to pay for everything, so I’m not sure why they’re still mad.”
Swift: “I’d like to see a gnome in the White House.”
Kelce: “Yeah, I’ll vote for whichever candidate is a grubby little guy wearing a belt over his shirt.”
Swift: “Simple, because we’re objectively hotter and more talented than you boring ugly losers.”
Swift: “If my fans could get over my divorce from Steve Ballmer, I know they’ll eventually be able to get over this too.”
Swift: “Our plan right now is to stand up from these chairs and walk to the exit, then probably open the door and leave the building.”