The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.
“The cocaine and MDMA were great, but I couldn’t help but feel like Matt was a little immature for me and my 15-year-old friends.”
“Way more fun than that stick-in-the mud Jim Jordan, I’ll tell you that!”
“Dude was so fucked up, he tried to have have sex with a bean bag chair he thought was a passed-out girl.”
“He was pretty quick to dump my friend’s body in the woods after she ODed.”
“He kept complaining that all the chicks were all too old and busted.”
“I think he gave the dog chlamydia.”
“We asked him to buy us some beer, and he showed up with 12 kilograms of cocaine.”
“He threatened to send my entire family to a gay conversion camp if anyone ever found out about this.”
“I’m sure in the future it will feel like a painful scar cauterized into my brain that I can never escape. But for now, the cocaine is making it pretty fun.”
“He seemed really freaked out when he found out my parents were upstairs.”
“Matt was badgering me all night about when the JV cheerleading squad was going to show up.”
“It was fun at the time, but I’m a little disappointed after realizing he paid everyone else $1,000.”
“Does it count as partying if he just approached me outside of a Hot Topic and then got too shy and ran away in tears?”
“The guy who took the laced MDMA and tried to cut off his own testicles with a kitchen knife? He was chill.”
“He was a very gracious, caring host, and my only quibble is probably the way he sexually harassed me and all of my underage friends.”
“I felt pretty bad taking his virginity.”
“Came faster than my first middle school boyfriend.”
“He gave all of us cowboy hats, and then he put on his own cowboy hat, and then he said ‘do I look cool, like a cowboy?’ and we all just avoided eye contact.”
“He asked to see my ID, then lost interest when he saw I was 18.”
“Matt Gaetz is lame as fuck. Now Nestor? That guy’s a party animal.”
“He has the torso of a 5 year old, which actually made me feel like I was the groomer.”
“It’s always awkward when your drug dealer wants to hang out.”
“We were going to hook up, but I got the ick when he told me he’d never done this before.”
“I liked his big head, but I didn’t like that he was trying to statutory rape everyone there.”
“We had to get a fumigator because he refused to leave my closet.”