It’s no secret that school textbooks don’t cover the whole of American history, and that important facts about this great nation are often omitted to serve a narrative. In the name of keeping truth alive, The Onion presents these real accounts from American history that the “woke” left doesn’t want you to know.
Most—almost all, actually.
So-called “indigenous” people crossed the Bering land bridge a mere 40 years ago, when shoulder pads were everything and MTV was all the rage!
That’s right. The first president was too nice to say anything about it, but his slaves actually owned him.
Three-Fifths doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
Woke liberals will tell you the Declaration of Independence was written in 1893 or 2349 AD, but these are lies! They will try to arrest you or get you fired for saying differently! Don’t let them confuse you!
Have they no respect for the rule of law?
John Wilkes Booth wasn’t even able to get a shot off before Lincoln absent-mindedly considered the idea that someone might one day seek to resolve their gender dysmorphia through sexual reassignment surgery, a thought that caused the 16th president’s brain to explode all over the Ford’s Theatre balcony.
As much as the left tries to co-op him, the fact is Martin Luther King Jr. was marching to outlaw child support.
And he would have done it too, if it weren’t for those snowflake Allied forces.
Unfortunately, the Mayor of Castro Street was killed before he felt comfortable making it heterosexuality public.
The entire premise of a gigantic irradiated lizard wouldn’t make sense otherwise.
While some claim the former president had inappropriate sexual relationships with his slaves, his offspring were in fact conceived through in vitro fertilization.
Not the first person to be put out of work by the woke Vietnamese mob.
Adjusted for inflation, many enslaved African Americans had salaries upwards of $70,000 a year, in addition to great perks that included health insurance, free weekly pizza, and eight weeks of paid time off every year.
The Founding Fathers actually wrote the Second Amendment while milling around outside the gun department.
They aren’t screaming in those old photographs. They’re serenading.
Those teeth were made of 100% nonrecyclable materials. None of this sustainable wooden tooth shit.
The AI program actually scraped the designs of several hundred different flags from across the world and combined those of Great Britain, Malaysia, and Liberia.
The truth is in the frilly pants.
The woke left wants you to think the government erected towering walls draped in barbed wire, but the truth is they were already there when European colonists arrived.
Liberals might try to make segregation seem like a bad thing, but the water that came out of those fountains was absolutely unmatched.
The ones that claim otherwise are merely acting out for attention.