Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant

“I mean, just think about it: Movies. Film. Cinema. Motion Pictures. Features. Talkies. Flicks. The Big Screen. The Silver Screen. Camera Juice. Theater Sit-Down Time. Eyeball Snacks. Rich People Pretending. How can we not celebrate that?”

“What other outlet do I have to tell all of my bland, unremarkable jokes, aside from the Oscars and the network late-night television show I host five times a week?”

“They’ll continue to be relevant until I fucking get one.”

“Because Golden Man says. Golden Man appears in our dreams, commanding us out of our homes and into designer clothing to gather at Dolby Theatre. We must worship at the altar of Golden Man, or face total annihilation. Golden Man is feared and beloved.”

“Without the Oscars, how is America going to know what a very specific group of old rich white men felt about the stuff everyone worked really hard on?”

“Other than the X Games, this is the biggest night in entertainment. But nothing will ever beat the X Games.”

“It’s the one night a year when murder is legal.”

“Where would I do my whole down-to-earth relatability schtick? At a gas station? At a fucking grocery store? Breathing the same air as those disgusting regular people?”

“It’s one of the few nights a year I get to sit in a room with all my peers and glower silently at them.”

“If the Oscars aren’t relevant, I’m not relevant. And if I’m not relevant, that makes me sad. And if I’m sad, I hurt people. You don’t want Margot sad.”

“Uh, I guess because they write about them in the newspapers? The place where Garfield is?”

“Until you can find me a cheaper place to pick up a 24-karat gold-plated statuette of a little naked bald man, the Oscars are relevant.”

“The statues are great for bludgeoning paparazzi.”

“Yesterday I traded one of my Oscars to the Jiffy Lube guy for an oil change.”

“Because they’re broadcast on the TV, the famous household appliance!”

“Listen—no time to explain, but in 2027, someone known as ‘Mr. Beast’ is nominated for Best Director for a film called Coincidentally Spearman. He must not win! If this happens, a timeline is created wherein billions will perish. I have to go—I’ve used all of my time credits on this final jump, and if I stay around any longer, the multiverse will implode.”

“My publicist gives me a sleeping pill every time I try to say they are dumb.”

“The Oscars are relevant as long as the Jews decide it is.”

“Doing away with the Oscars would be like throwing away a hot dog wrapper just because you finished eating the hot dog.”

“Without winning an Oscar, it will be very hard to tell when I’ve failed all the way to the top.”

“Nobody actually takes their gift bags, so last year I got like $4,000 worth of face lotion.”

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