Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

Braun Coffee Reservoir: Mom will never have to go without her precious cup of joe when you present her with this 12,000-acre man-made java lake.

Wanderlust + Co Detritus Locket: This sterling silver locket is sure to bring a tear to her eye. Fill it with your hair sheddings, nail clippings, or a bunch of dead skin. Now she’ll always carry a little bit of you with her.

A Life Preserver: Save your mom from the roiling waves with a cute pink lifebuoy.

Papal Indulgences: She’ll be thrilled when she finds out her sin of covetousness is already forgiven!

Maldon Sea Salt Flakes: Sure, that’s probably good.

A Beautiful New Wool Shawl And Wig: Even if the flesh has long since fallen from your dear mother’s frame, she still deserves to look and feel beautiful.

Wait, Why Do You Know This?: Jesus, just get her a scarf.

$10 ExxonMobil Gift Card: The one thing you do know about her is that she likes to drive away from her family. If she ever briefly reenters your life, make her second exit a bit less expensive with some gas money.

Stolen Cold Case Files Of Marnie Espinoza: Mom will love the yellowing paperwork on the case of an eighth-grader who was brutally murdered 31 years ago and whose killer remains at large.

The New York Giants: They may be mediocre year after year, but your mom will think of you every time she has to fire another general manager.

A Phone Call At 10 P.M.: She’ll appreciate it even though she knows your dad had to send you a reminder text 30 minutes before their bedtime.

Portable Liposuction Kit: Help Mom achieve her fitness goals with this vacuum tube and fat-storage canister that can go anywhere with a USB port.

Being Added As A Character To Moby-Dick: For just $50, the estate of Herman Melville will permanently add your mother to the crew of the Pequod.

A Solid Alibi: Moms with the bad luck to lose husband after husband to mysterious ailments and freak accidents will tear up with gratitude when you tell detectives the two of you were watching television all evening on Feb. 10.

Pa’s Rusted Key: It’ll open the shackles and give her a head start, but she must leave at once—Pa will return any minute.

A New Hat: Don’t overthink it.

Lowe’s Nuclear Reactor Kit & Blueprint: Give your mom her most challenging home project yet: trying to convert the garage into a small-scale fission reactor. If you buy now, you can get a free vial of uranium.

Junk She Can Never Throw Out: Mom will be the first to say it’s not about how much you spend, it’s the thought you put into this eyesore of a gift that she’ll never have the heart to get rid of.

More Crows: Crows are clever, flying or sitting; crows can be trusted to do Mom’s bidding.

Nothing: She’s perfect.