NFL Players React To The League’s Concussion Protocol

“I’ve been​ really​ lucky so far, but I have faith the league would look out for me if I ever suffered a serious head injury.”

“Coach Belichick already assured me that if I ever get a concussion he’ll have me put down.”

“I hit my head on the turf hard, but I was reassured when the medical rabbit came out in his tiny ambulance and told me in my grandmother’s voice that I was good to get back out there.”

“It’s just a shame that this half-baked protocol mars the NFL’s otherwise impeccable history of treating players with dignity and respect.”

“If playing college football has taught me anything, it’s how to accept that my body is no more than a vessel for other people to make cash.”

“My shaman has promised me that the sacred plant medicines will prevent anything from harming my consciousness.”

“Honestly, the league could be doing more, like letting us punch each other. We could be inflicting way more concussions per game.”

“Don’t care. I became a kicker precisely so I didn’t end up like these drooling fucks.”

“The league has done its part by hiring countless neurotrauma specialists to shift the blame to if a player is injured.”

“The irony of the modern capitalist pursuit is that even as we convince ourselves labor is becoming more and more of a cerebral act, the materialist worldview understands that nothing has changed, the mind is an organ, and you are never doing anything but trading your very flesh for money.”

“If God wanted concussed players to sit out, He wouldn’t have given their bodies the ability to mumble the words ‘I’m fine’ to team doctors.”

“I’m torn between safety and the fact that other players’ injuries are the only way I’m gonna play for the rest of my career.”

“Anyone who lets me play football in the first place doesn’t give a fuck if I get a concussion.”

“They’ll probably run out of neurosurgeons they can bribe at some point, but that’s a problem for a later time.”

“Look, I’ll say whatever you want. Just please don’t make me go spend 40 uninterrupted days with my family again.”

“What did Tom Brady say about them? Just put me down for saying whatever he said.”

“If you’re not willing to potentially be mortally injured, then maybe football isn’t the sport for you.”

“It’s fine as long as it doesn’t require anyone to get vaccinated.”