Amid mounting international pressure for the Israel-Hamas war to end, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today detailed his vision for postwar Gaza, though the plans have sparked more controversy than concord. The Onion breaks down each point proposed in the plan and how it will affect Gaza.
Netanyahu has contracted with world-renowned architects at Wheeler Kearns to create concepts for an eternally burning pit of flame and anguish as a centerpiece to his Gaza plans.
Long interested in the so-called “complete street” idea of city planning, Bibi hopes to implement congestion pricing and divide off at least a third of every street to allow eco-friendly bombs to pass through.
Possibly on a park bench.
Israel will be responsible for administrating security concerns in the territory; however, it will be in a cool, laid-back way—more like a friend than a boss.
See? He’s open to compromise.
Netanyahu is a huge fan of the former Big Bang Theory star.
The Israeli leader outlines plans to continue to besiege Gazan hospitals until all that’s left is a traumatized man treating the wounded with nothing but a saw.
To drown out all the screaming!
In order to appease domestic moderates and the international community, Netanyahu stated that every square inch of Gaza would be inhabited by Israelis.
Over the next several phases of this operation, Bibi plans to claim that anyone who opposes him hates Jews.
A new coat of paint will do wonders to liven up a drab war zone.
Netanyahu reportedly plans on really upping the ante by wearing a combat helmet too.
If someone is within even a 10-minute walk from a rock that they could pick up and throw, they are an imminent threat to Israel.
While not native to the war-torn region, they are adorable.
In an effort to wipe out the thousand-year-old trees, Netanyahu promised to prove that the trees were proud members of Hamas.
Genocide is hard work, and it’s time for some fun and relaxation.
Netanyahu has been a longstanding proponent of driving the point home.
If they can build a $3 billion seltzer-water-machine empire, there’s no doubt they’ll do a great job governing Gaza.
In an attempt to validate the war further, Netanyahu posted a scathing review of Gaza, calling it a “hellhole.”
Nice to give people a place to blow off steam. Only IDF soldiers can use it, of course.
After all that work shedding the blood of innocents and leveling city blocks, he deserves a little credit.