We are legally required to warn that looking directly at Americans might make you puke. However, cosmetic procedures can significantly improve the vomit-inducing physical appearance of the U.S. populace. The Onion examines the most popular plastic surgery in every state.
Fetal BBL
Blubber injection
Cremation
Getting hand replaced with gun
Grunting through bandages while pointing at menu board of procedures
Fleece graft
Vagina dentata veneers
Conjoined business separation
Botched facelift to correct previous botched facelift
Lemon pepper face peel
Coconut reduction
Skin twice-baking
Fat sucked out of residents’ stomachs, arms, and backs and reinjected into J.B. Pritzker
Eyes permanently rolled back in head to enhance religious experience
Butter injection
Surgery to conjoin twins
Enlargement of stomping foot for more rhythmic fiddling
Adipose boil
Lobster detachment surgery
The senator will let you know what he likes
Forcing flat girlfriend to get double D’s
Chemotherapy
Adding second mouth for apologies
Racial affirmation surgery
Double brain removal
Sky enlargement
Udder tuck
Surgeon’s choice
Swastika tattoo removal
Chest hair transplant
Nuclear peel
Brass ball implants
Tarheelization
Putting on big white T-shirt with bikini bod printed on it
Abortion disguised as skin tag removal for legal reasons
Injecting spent fryer grease into forehead like Botox
End-of-life butt lift
Good ol’ fashioned breast raising
State enlargement
Stitched into human centipede as part of fraternity initiation
Drawing face on torso and making belly button talk
Facial Aryanization surgery
Silicone implants for hair enlargement
Stitching all sister wives together
Wood chipper arm removal
Reptilian tail tuck
Transracial skin tinting
Lung whitening
Curd reconstruction
Draping horse mane over your head and pretending it’s your hair