Cryptocurrency might not be real, but that doesn’t stop countless Americans from researching it, buying it, and pissing away their wealth with it every single day. For Onion readers in need of a primer, here are the most frequently Googled cryptocurrency questions and their answers.
It means your friends are doing some mental gymnastics to justify their get-rich-quick scheme.
Sorry, internet privacy is impossible now, and crypto users who say otherwise are full of shit! You’re now on several watch lists.
The most Googled phrase of all, the average crypto user searches this about 33.6 times a day.
Well, that was quick.
Emergent technologies have created new and exciting ways for easy marks to find each other.
Because they all auditioned for the new Buzz Lightyear movie and didn’t get the part.
This question isn’t technically about crypto, but it is most often searched immediately after users Google their coin’s value.
Wow, you’d think there’d be even one person who cared.
Only if you’re too late to the party.
Less than whatever you paid for it.
Not quite yet, friend, but we’ll get there.
As soon as your wire transfer to The Onion clears.
Yes, senator.
Los Angeles authorities are currently performing a wellness check at Mr. David’s residence.
Frankly, there’s no explanation for this one.
While it may be more volatile than traditional investments, at least cryptocurrency doesn’t have all the burdensome regulations that could protect you in the event of fraud or collapse.
Yeah, you get it.