Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point

It’s fine to have these thoughts as long as you never act on them.

What exhausted parent hasn’t wondered how much they could get for their little tyke and how one actually gets in touch with a pimp.

You know you’re supposed to love them unconditionally, but you don’t know if you can unless they really impress the Golden Grahams people.

You know it’s wrong, that you are basically poisoning your child and abandoning your sacred duty as a mother, but sometimes you just get tired.

Oof! We’ve all been there.

Heather was gone that weekend at the wedding you didn’t want to go to. You’d been on the rocks. And then suddenly she’s pregnant? You’re not crazy for thinking about it.

A baby needs unconditional support and encouragement in order to grow up having any chill.

It’s not a good thought, but through the exhaustion and frustration it’s understandable that some parents may daydream about genocide.

Common for parents with children who have fair hair and an ethereal demeanor, these intrusive thoughts usually go away after briefly torturing the child prove that they’re human.

It may sound harsh, but many new parents find themselves doubting their decision to dress up as a nurse, sneak into the delivery ward, and steal a baby straight from the nursery.

Yes, sneaking poison into your child’s food and posting a pleading GoFundMe on Facebook looks like a ball, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to act on it.

Sure, you don’t know what you would’ve gotten, but anything’s better than what you ultimately brought home.

Sorry, but at least you’ve got something to make your divorce much more unbearable.

Sometimes, planting their DNA in an ongoing murder investigation and having them arrested is the only way to get some peace and quiet.

It’s tempting to go through with buying the basketball hoop, lowering it to seven feet, and then ramming that newborn baby through the net, and although you shouldn’t do this, just remember it’s an idle thought every parent faces.

You only had a kid to act as host for The Lord of Darkness, but you know he’s gonna take one look at that thing and select another vessel that isn’t totally embarrassing.

Becoming a parent can trigger all sorts of new psychological tendencies, but you have to be able to identify those intrusive thoughts that don’t help to put into action.

Yes, it’s far away and has extremely harsh winters, but at least the team has a loyal fan base and a decent quarterback.

Tempting though it may be, you’re better off just patting your child on the back and see how many they cough out.

Flights of fancy in which you plan out your infanticide defense point by point are a healthy and productive way to siphon off your unmitigated rage at your child.

No way little Liam’s going to get into Notre Dame one day with that attitude.