Conservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride Merchandise

“I’m against any effort to dilute the efficacy of a social movement by reducing it to consumable products.”

“I just go into a blind rage anytime my cock gets hard.”

“Socks are gay enough as it is.”

“They’re blocking all of the bare metal shelves that I come to Target to behold.”

“Because nowhere in the Bible does it say that two men should be able to shop at Target.”

“There shouldn’t be any blatant political agendas featured on my discount-store shirts except the military.”

“I don’t like the idea of being told I must conform to something when I’m shopping for mass-produced products at a multinational discount store.”

“I participated in a secret government program in the ’70s. I don’t remember much from it, but now whenever I see a rainbow, I have the powerful urge to kill.”

“I prefer more subtle color palettes.”

“We all have but a short time on this earth, so why not spend it getting incredibly angry at something insignificant that doesn’t affect me in the slightest?”

“Every time I walk into one of the shelves with the pro-gay products, they fall on me.”

“You’re telling me these rainbow-striped everyday nipple pasties are somehow affiliated with being gay?”

“God, I don’t even know. I’m so angry, and I’m so tired of being angry. Maybe it’s that my father hit me, and never showed any compassion. Maybe it’s because I was taught to hate people different from me as if it were their fault that I deal with the things I deal with. Regardless, I’m blind with rage at these pride-branded Uno cards, and I’m not going to stop.

“Personally, I think a rainbow-colored strap-on is kind of a hat on a hat.”

“Well, until I went through an inexplicable time-portal a few minutes ago, I was living my life in the year 1952, and as I am homophobic, pride merchandise is only one of the many things scaring me right now.”

“How would you like it if you woke up and there was a PRIDE SHIRT around your WAIST? A shirt with a HORRIBLE WOKE SLOGAN like PRIDE wrapped around your WAIST near where your SMALL BENNY is located minding his own SMALL BENNY BUSINESS?! And you wake up and realize that your POOR SMALL BENNY is SIMPLY TOO CLOSE to the LICENTIOUS WAIST SHIRT, it is mere INCHES AWAY from touching it, how did the ICKY LUST WAIST SHIRT even get on me?? What am I doing lying on the cold hard tile floor of an ALBANY-AREA DICK’S SPORTING GOODS with LEWD RAINBOW PRIDE SHIRTS inching ever closer to my POOR DEFENSELESS SMALL BENNY? Where are my PANTS in this instance? Have I been FONDLING MYSELF in the TENT AISLE of this DICK’S SPORTING GOODS located in the CROSSGATES MALL? What if the rainbow pride shirt SWATHED MY SMALL BENNY in PERVERTED FOLDS OF 100% COTTON? What then? What if I demanded that the store manager remove the LIBIDINOUS SHIRT SHORTS from around my waist and she said NO and said SIR YOU MUST LEAVE IT IS CLOSING TIME? What kind of WOKE DICK’S SPORTING GOODS LOCATED OFF I-87 NEAR THE 110 GRILL kicks out a dazed disloyal customer? What if I FREAKED OUT about the LECHEROUS SHIRT PANTS and FLED THE STORE and RAN INTO TRAFFIC and COLLIDED with a Ford Explorer driven by A WHOLE LESBIAN FAMILY and we all PERISHED IN THE CRASH? What of your woke agenda then, hmm?”

“Discount stores should be places where straight guys can walk around naked without fear of some gay guy seeing his penis.”

“Because being queer is a proprietary holding of the Walt Disney Company, and none of these knockoffs are paying licensing fees.”

“I’m wearing some right now. Chicks dig gay men.”