The city of Atlanta is facing backlash after announcing plans to bulldoze 85-acres of forest to build a $90 million replica of the city for police to train. The Onion asked several Atlanta police officers why they support ‘Cop City,’ and this is what they said.
“This training will come in handy the next time I need to fire a rocket launcher into a crowd of people.”
“It would be cool to have a place where I could work out and train in between naps in my police cruiser.”
“Well, basically—hey, I just remembered cops don’t need to explain themselves.”
“How can we serve the community without a fortified stronghold miles away from civilization?”
“We don’t need it, we just want it, which fortunately always counts as the same thing.”
“I still can’t tell the difference between my gun and taser, but with eight or nine more training courses I should be able to figure it out.”
“You really want a bunch of cops scattered in the community?”
“We must do everything in our power to keep those tax dollars from falling into the wrong poor children’s hands.”
“How can you have a military without a base?”
“Somebody’s gotta do something about all those ugly trees.”
“Poorly trained officers have killed dozens of people over the last decade, but with the skills provided by cop city, we would easily push that into the hundreds.”
“I desperately need training on how to shoot an unarmed man seven to 40 times.”
“Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.”
“Because it’ll be like a totally cool fort thing where only my cop friends are allowed and we can just like hang out and nobody will be mean to us.”
“I heard we’ll have all the King of Queens we can watch.”
“It’s only scary if you’re a criminal or anybody else.”
“This mock city is the closest thing I’m going to get to an all-white Atlanta.”
“I’ll ask the questions! Now stop resisting!”