Political nonprofits spent more than $2.4 billion in undisclosed cash during the 2020 election cycle, and this week, a bill that would require them to begin disclosing their donors is expected to fail in the Senate. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they support dark money.
“Money is an imaginary concept assigned arbitrary value by humans. Like consent.”
“My business relies on the large number of cakes people buy, hollow out, stuff with cash, and have delivered to politicians.”
“No one should be forced to have their name publicly affiliated with me.”
“As a smiling black man crossing his arms in front of an American flag, I have an incredible amount to gain from the millions spent on midterm campaign ads.”
“Dark Money built Epstein’s island, so it can’t be all bad.”
“I just feel better knowing my $10 donations are meaningless.”
“It’s the only payment system that really keeps people quiet. Well, that and Mr. Knife here.”
“I literally cannot speak if I am not actively giving someone money while I do so. My throat closes up and I start wheezing and I can’t breathe until I fish out a few hundreds from my pocket and fork it over. It’s fucking torture.”
“Honestly, dark money in politics helps out the little guy. If we stop letting the wealthy launder their money through political donation tax write-offs, they’re just going to hide their money in things like real estate, and the rest of you are going to be really fucking homeless.”
“Dark Money is what’s keeping me alive in my underground bunker until the day comes when I may walk the earth again.”
“There’s a certain thrill I get from not knowing who’s influencing our elections. It’s sexy.”
“What do you mean my campaign money was dark? I thought the way all campaign donations worked was that you received a mysterious phone call at 2 a.m. and a man with a low voice on the other end says, ‘You know what you need to do,’ and then hangs up.”
“Some billionaires are shy.”
“It’s fun to throw a little question mark in the portfolio once in a while.”
“It’s time we ended the stigma against shadowy figures.”
“Please lower your voice. There are some very powerful people who will be very mad at me for even talking to you.”
“It’s about staying active and making your voice heard. It’s like I tell my friends: Every little untraceable $50 million donation counts.”
“Otherwise I might have become president, which frankly sounds like a huge headache for me personally.”
“Dark money is unethical, unjustifiable, and anti-democratic, but it would be disrespectful to Antonin Scalia’s legacy to oppose it. The man just died six years ago.
“Money. You just said it in the question.”
“It’s been a tradition ever since George Washington was elected with campaign funds from Saudi oil magnates back in the 1700s.”