NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Impressing all onlookers with her powerful ability to shape discourse, local woman Ainsley Bishop reportedly called out a sauce stain on her shirt Tuesday in order to control the narrative. “Yeah, I know I’ve got a stain on my shirt—it’s from lunch,” said Bishop of the ketchup stain on her garment in a masterful display of rhetorical supremacy, following up her empowering call-out with a glib joke about purposely buying the stained shirt that way to prevent anyone else’s potential attempts to wrest control of her story and her truth. “Before you say anything, Pete, I’ll stop you right there—yes, I’m aware that the position of the stain on my shirt makes it look like it’s leaking from my breast, and frankly, if it was, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that. We are all fallible human beings occupying fragile, often humiliating bodies, and sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes things happen that are out of our control, and yes, sometimes, globs of ketchup fall from a hamburger and stain our shirts, and honestly, I think that’s beautiful.” At press time, Bishop had accused her coworker of whataboutism after recalling that he hadn’t said anything about a male fellow coworker who had spinach stuck in his teeth.