What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials

Woo-hoo!

Open up. They’re at the door.

He pets them and calls them his children.

Nothing makes the death of a loved one easier than a big plate of chicken crispers.

Neuralink will be able to wirelessly determine whether or not a user is hungry, and that’s it.

Although many advertisers have pulled out citing Musk’s volatility, Neuralink trials were able to beam hours of advertisements directly into monkeys’ brains.

Unfortunately, there was no way around doing this.

The exact same shape and size of the average human skulls.

Participants will receive the six-inch cube of brain matter as a keepsake.

Musk has tearfully stressed that allowing the severely disabled to get horny playing classic pornographic Japanese dating sims on Newgrounds.com was what first motivated him to bring Neuralink to humans.

Not great, obviously, but maybe some people will like it?

All cables and power strips will be discreetly hidden by a skin-colored cable sleeve that runs down the back of the user’s neck.

Musk wanted to be inclusive of all needs.

Musk looked to one of America’s greatest inventors in designing his experiments, which has already exceeded the Wizard of Menlo Park’s work in the number of pigs and animals maimed or killed.

It’s always nice to have extra spending money.

Musk promised that due to neurophysiology, those receiving a Neuralink implant via robotic surgery will feel nothing more than a little tickle as it shuts off essential brain function.

Elon Musk is confident that the technology will be ready to introduce to the public as scheduled.

We might be in store for one of the most innovative bribery schemes of all time.

Yes, it weighs 30 pounds and sticks out of your skull, but you have to admit that it’s sustainable.

Users who wear bucket hats, panama hats, or homburgs can immediately begin using Neuralink.

Not really worth considering possibilities where things don’t go right.

The procedure to implant the neuralink chip into a trial member’s skull concludes with the subjects getting a tattoo depicting DogeCoin’s illustrious Doge on their lower back.

While it would have been preferable to have the users’ thoughts guided by the billionaire himself, he was simply too big to fit in people’s brains.

Users will have to upgrade to the latest manufactured heads on the market before installing Neuralink.

Neuralink users will be able to communicate with all Dyson vacuums, hair dryers, humidifiers, and air purifiers.

The Neuralink device may cause human test subjects to have visions of the final violent death throes of the monkey that had their microchip during animal testing.

Neuralink trial participants must get into the back of the van of their own free will at gunpoint.

Users will be able to easily scroll through brain functions to select “walk,” “speak,” ‘see,” or “breathe.”

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