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What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash

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With prices for digital currencies plummeting, The Onion provides helpful advice on what to say to someone who lost all of their money in the crypto crash.

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“Have you heard about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“Have you heard about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

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Broken, vulnerable people are in prime position to be open to His word.

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“That’s nuts! I sold all mine really early, so I just made money.”

“That’s nuts! I sold all mine really early, so I just made money.”

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Let them know what to do next time they want to get involved in a pyramid scheme.

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“I’m sorry, but I find crypto far too boring to care about your plight.”

“I’m sorry, but I find crypto far too boring to care about your plight.”

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They should have gotten scammed in a more interesting way.

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“Sharks can’t get cavities because their teeth are covered in fluoride.”

“Sharks can’t get cavities because their teeth are covered in fluoride.”

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You never know when a fun animal fact might brighten someone’s spirits.

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“Do you have change for a 20?”

“Do you have change for a 20?”

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They did just say they lost everything, but it doesn’t hurt to ask before you try the 7-11 around the corner.

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“This is the last straw! You said we’d be rich, and now we have nothing! I’m leaving you, you no good son of a bitch! I should have listened to my mother.”

“This is the last straw! You said we’d be rich, and now we have nothing! I’m leaving you, you no good son of a bitch! I should have listened to my mother.”

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Better late than never.

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“Can I have $500?”

“Can I have $500?”

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They’ve proven they’re bad with money. Might as well exploit it.

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“Well, when you think about it, real money is fake too.”

“Well, when you think about it, real money is fake too.”

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Help them focus on the silver lining that traditional currency could collapse someday too.

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“Try investing in something more secure, like mortgage-backed securities, Japanese real estate, or unprofitable internet startups.”

“Try investing in something more secure, like mortgage-backed securities, Japanese real estate, or unprofitable internet startups.”

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Follow the smart money.

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“Take a look into the wares in my suitcase, my fine sir. I’ve got unguents, ointments, tinctures, sprays, and patented cures for problems in the bedroom ways. All for less than a nickel a pop!”

“Take a look into the wares in my suitcase, my fine sir. I’ve got unguents, ointments, tinctures, sprays, and patented cures for problems in the bedroom ways. All for less than a nickel a pop!”

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Hey, if you sense blood in the water, you should just make your case and see what happens.

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“You should read more articles on TheOnion.com.”

“You should read more articles on TheOnion.com.”

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They may as well join the other gibbering idiots in our readership trying to take their minds off their abject failures in life.

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“Crypto was just going to get regulated anyway.”

“Crypto was just going to get regulated anyway.”

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Being a stable currency with federal guidelines would have taken all the fun out of it.

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“I offer you my digital sympathies.”

“I offer you my digital sympathies.”

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It’s considered polite to engage with them in a way they’ll understand.

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“Here’s $1.5 million.”

“Here’s $1.5 million.”

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It’s not going to be easy for them to start over, but you can help get them back on track to lose it all again.

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“At least you’re not going to jail.”

“At least you’re not going to jail.”

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Most likely.

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“If it’s any consolation, I got dumped from SBF’s polycule.”

“If it’s any consolation, I got dumped from SBF’s polycule.”

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Being able to share stories about being screwed over by the same person can help you bond and get over your traumas.

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“The spare room has all the holiday decorations in it at the moment.”

“The spare room has all the holiday decorations in it at the moment.”

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Better to lead with this before they can start dropping hints about needing someplace to crash.

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“This next one is by a little band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

“This next one is by a little band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

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Your job as a DJ is to play the hits regardless of who’s in the crowd.

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“You should probably kill yourself.”

“You should probably kill yourself.”

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After being defrauded in a massive investment scam, it’s comforting to know the only thing left to do is end it all.

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