What To Say If Your Kid Catches You Doing Drugs

Use this as a teachable moment about being specific when making requests.

Phew, imagine if it had been a Schedule I drug. That could have been bad.

It’s tough but important to talk to kids about privilege and race, and how to use both to their benefit.

A threat like this ought to keep them quiet.

You’ll most likely be caught off guard and reflexively say the first thing that comes to mind.

According to child protective services, this is an acceptable reason.

You can’t be expected to have an honest conversation with your kid about drugs before they understand the true sociopolitical underpinnings of the country’s drug policies.

Come on, man, just be cool, okay? You’re 5 now. That’s old enough to just try to be chill. Jesus.

They should know better than to hang around people who are doing drugs.

Safety first.

Yeah, right, you’re hooked, and you know it.

Teaching children proper drug etiquette includes replenishing their stash when you dip into it for yourself.

Just tell them that doing drugs is an integral part of your job.

Chances are the judge would treat an 8-year-old with a lot more leniency than an adult.

This will be so pathetic it will distract them from the blow they just saw smeared across their school books.

She’ll be pissed you got high without her.

They’ll understand when they’re older.

Pretending your child was blind until the moment they caught you hitting a bong can change an awkward situation into the most joyful celebration.

It worked after they walked in on you having sex, so it’s worth another shot.

Studies have shown that kids tend to like the parent who blames it all on the other parent.

Yes, just keep talking until your child is too bored to be in the same room as you.

Gaslight your only son until he never speaks of this again.