What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays

“The five to 10 pounds I put on every year. I just can’t resist that wrapping paper.”

“Laying off all my employees. I just know I’m going to get an earful.”

“My least favorite part is definitely molesting all the kids on the naughty list. But rules are rules.”

“The decorations are way too spooky.”

“I hate waiting in the long lines for my turn to scream at a cashier.”

“I hate making small talk with all the miserable orphans eating alone in my restaurant.”

“The carols, the food, the time spent with family–there’s only so much warmth and merriment a person can take.”

“Wrapping presents. My wife always waits until the night before to get it done.”

“For my interfaith family, the holidays are always a battle between my mother’s pagan witchcraft and my father’s quasi-Christian doomsday cult.”

“I work in retail, so probably all of the stores playing “Accidental Racist” nonstop.”

“Adding to my cumulative CTE.”

“Trying to fax pieces of turkey to my grandson.”

“I hate having to go visit my grandma over Christmas, which is why I never do it.”

“Everyone’s smiling and buying presents and going to parties like the comScore for iChess dot net isn’t dropping as we speak.”

“Every year I always get poisoned after eating the mistletoe and have to go to the hospital. But every year, the mistletoe looks more and more delicious. It’s a vicious cycle.”

“Everything about the holidays is overrated! All I care about is my career, and nothing will change my opinion, not even a special someone who will open my eyes to the magic of this time of year just when I least expect it!”

“I hate having the horrifying realization that I’m still not happy when I’m off work, too.”

“I get into extra trouble during the holidays if I crash the plane.”

“As is Italian tradition, my family decorates our Christmas tree with live-caught fish, and guess who’s gotta catch them all with his bare hands—Big Frankie.”

“My family always fighting over the ultimate long-term consequences of the Meiji Restoration.”

“Always having to remember the names of the new cousins. There are always new cousins, they arrive in the thousands, hordes of ravenous new cousins trampling down our driveway and knocking down the door, tracking mounds of mud into the house, upsetting the table, gobbling up all the food in the house, slurping down the wet meat, drinking the water until the taps run dry, defecating fiercely in the house toilets until they are so clogged that human excrement leaks onto the floor, then vanishing without a trace, never to be seen again.”

“I just know people are going to complain about my very tasteful pre-nativity scene where Mary and Joseph conceive Jesus.”

“Someone puts their penis through me at virtually every family gathering and I never find it funny.”