KELSO, CA—Not wanting to make the dying man who trudged through the remote Mojave Desert uncomfortable, a local vulture was reportedly trying Tuesday to find a good way to circle without being rude. “I should avoid being too conspicuous, because I’d hate to make this guy feel self-conscious,” said the 5-year-old vulture, adding that he was eager to peck out the man’s eyeballs as soon as he dropped dead of thirst but didn’t want to come on too strong or, worse, appear desperate. “It’s just that I couldn’t help but notice he tossed his empty canteen a few miles back, has started crawling on his hands and knees, and is definitely going to die before he makes it to the next water source. I guess I could go perch on that mesa over there and act like I’m waiting for a friend, but I’d hate it if another vulture swooped in and took my place.” At press time, sources confirmed the vulture had found a completely different man and decided to circle around him in an effort to make the first man jealous.