The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Tucker Carlson

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On April 24, Tucker Carlson was abruptly fired from his position as a Fox News host. The Onion sits down with the conservative political commentator to discuss what happened.

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The Onion: Why did you leave Fox News?

Tucker Carlson: Fox runs a tight ship. You couldn’t get away with half the lies there that I could when I worked at CNN or MSNBC.

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The Onion: Were you fired?

Tucker Carlson: No, it was 100% my decision. When I showed up to work on Monday and was denied access to the building, I decided that was the last straw and quit right then and there.

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The Onion: Until now, you’ve kept mostly silent about your dismissal. Why?

Tucker Carlson: I don’t know how to move my lips unless there’s a camera in front of me.

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The Onion: What’s been the most frustrating part of this whole situation for you?

Tucker Carlson: Fox unfortunately owns the rights to the name Tucker Carlson, so now I have to go by Topher Cobbelton.

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The Onion: What’s next for Tucker Carlson?

Tucker Carlson: I have a part-time receptionist gig at a Planned Parenthood until I can get back on my feet.

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The Onion: The Dominion case files revealed a text you sent saying that you hate Donald Trump “passionately.” Is that true?

Tucker Carlson: Look, do I want to murder Donald Trump? Strangle him? Beat him? Stab him hundreds of times, fuck his corpse, and then stab him even more until he’s completely unrecognizable and I’m covered in his blood and viscera? Yes. But hate him passionately? No, absolutely not.

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The Onion: Did the accusations of sexism and harassment against you play a role in your ouster?

Tucker Carlson: Not at all, sugar tits. Now why don’t you quit your yapping and show me what else that mouth can do?

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The Onion: How did you get your start in journalism?

Tucker Carlson: I covered jazz for The New Yorker for 12 years.

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The Onion: Is it true you have your eyes on a Senate seat, or perhaps even pursuing the presidency?

Tucker Carlson: No, I prefer actual power.

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The Onion: Who’s your favorite Fox News co-host?

Tucker Carlson: I’ve always had a soft spot for Sean Hannity and a hard-on for Laura Ingraham.

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The Onion: Are you worried about your future?

Tucker Carlson: Nope, I’m gonna bounce back even bigger and better, just like what’s-his-face did—you know, the guy who used to have my time slot and got fired before me? Damn, what’s his name?

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The Onion: Do you think your unapologetically radical conservative media personality is a trauma response to you never developing a relationship with your bohemian mother, who left your family when you were six to live in France?

Tucker Carlson: Cut the psychoanalysis act, Freud. If you’re asking if I want to sleep with my mother, the answer is obviously yes.

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The Onion: Is a podcast in the works?

Tucker Carlson: No way. That would be scaling down. I’m making The Tucker Carlson Movie next. I’m talking to the Farelly brothers. $300 million budget. Full theatrical release. Cameos from Don Cheadle and Diane Keaton. It’s going to kick so much ass.

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The Onion: Are you and your hair friends in real life?

Tucker Carlson: Absolutely. The bowl cut is even my oldest son’s godmother.

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The Onion: How do you respond to allegations that you fostered an unsafe workplace?

Tucker Carlson: Look, do you want me to take you to dinner first before you blow me, or what?

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The Onion: Where are you going to get fired from next?

Tucker Carlson: I’m already in talks to be let go from OAN, Breitbart, and The Daily Caller.

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The Onion: Newsmax has expressed interest in hiring you. Will we be seeing you there soon?

Tucker Carlson: Even I’m not that big of a loser.

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The Onion: Okay, why don’t we close this out on a lighter note. What’s something fun that you’re excited to pursue now that you have more free time?

Tucker Carlson: Transgender migrants are forcibly impregnating our children with agents of the Chinese Communist Party.

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You’ve Made It This Far...

Fox News Viewers React To Tucker Carlson’s Exit

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Fox News Anchors React To Dominion Voting Systems Lawsuit

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