NILES, IL—Basking in the majesty of the municipal golf course, local man James Carrol exclaimed, “This is what it’s all about, boys” Monday, just an hour before a complete mental breakdown on the sixth hole. “I’m out on the course with my best boys, drinking beers and listening to jams,” said Carroll, who would soon snap his 7-iron across his knee before tossing it into a neighboring forest preserve. “Blue skies, fresh air, [and shredding my scorecard with my teeth after recording a four-putt triple bogey], we are living the dream. We might even card a few birdies today, who knows? I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon.” At press time, Carrol resolved to take “a little mental health break” from the game after receiving a lifetime ban from his home golf course.