Things That Will Get You Permanently Banned From Elon Musk’s Twitter

Users who have gone more than one year without tweeting the N-word will have their accounts deleted.

Hateful language will not be tolerated.

Nobody upstages Twitter’s new big boy, The Musk.

Don’t even think about it.

Oh wait, this one was put here by mistake. Forget we mentioned it.

Twitter is now only for the present and the future and should not be threatened or contradicted by things from before.

Honestly, there’s no reason to be so immature. You’re adults.

It’s only nine months, and he just wants to impregnate you to save humanity. Why are you being such a bitch about it?

You can still post the good kind, though.

You’re supposed to be working, damn it!

If you’re going to release the personal information of a journalist you disagree with—including their phone number, their address, and the names of their children—you should at the very least include the label ‘(parody)’ so as not to get flagged.

No longer allowed.

Elon is a really funny guy, and he can sense when you’re not actually laughing.

Any attempt to leave Twitter will result in a permanent ban.

You know the one. If you tempt fate by posting a picture of The Vase, your account is as good as banned—and you will deserve it.

Elon has taken a particularly hard-line stance against verified users who change their name and photo to resemble any of the thousands of secret organ clones he’s growing in a lab under Tesla HQ.

Not an offense you can get banned for, but holy shit. It just blows.

Musk was perfectly clear when he asked Twitter users not to imitate him.

Since his arrival, Elon has revamped the Twitter algorithm to more accurately detect when tweets are not epic sauce enough to meet Twitter’s terms of service.

It makes Musk too sad to see himself with the one who got away.