Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

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Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.

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“Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”

Exactly something a social justice warrior would say.

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“I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”

That runs directly counter to Musk’s plan to drive this baby into the ground.

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“I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”

All wives were supposed to be turned in last week.

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“I have to go to the bathroom.”

Employees of Twitter 2.0 must hold their urine for at least 27 hours.

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“Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”

No.

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“I actually really like the Green Album.”

Elon Musk may be a fucking tool, but even he knows everything Weezer made after Pinkerton is reductive drivel.

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“Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”

Algorithm caught the word “union” and immediately sent security.

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“I bet I can jump higher than him.”

Not a chance. Elon Musk is the most nimble, athletic man on earth.

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“I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”

Not very “hardcore” to complain about spending the weekend trapped in Twitter headquarters, is it?

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“He’s such a great boss.”

No one wants to work with a liar.

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“Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”

Read the room. You know bots don’t get a nice severance package, either.

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“Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”

He already knows. Stop wasting time!

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“He’s got weird thumbs.”

This is apparently the thing Musk is most sensitive about.

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“He’s sitting in my chair.”

Sitting reduces crucial blood flow to employees’ brains, which should be working nonstop to make Twitter profitable.

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“I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”

Threats to Musk’s corporate propagation plan will not be tolerated.

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[Silence]

It’s also inappropriate for employees not to be talking about him.

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“I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”

Only absolute loyalty will be accepted!

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“He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”

Should’ve taken the horse.