Following the actor’s high profile cheating scandal on the Bravo reality TV series Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval rocketed to fame as one of America’s most hated villains. The Onion sat down with the embattled celebrity to discuss what’s next for him, his career, and his extremely tumultuous love life.
Sandoval: “Not directly. When we need to discuss issues with the house, we just leave each other notes written in blood on the walls.”
Sandoval: “When we have another affair to promote.”
Sandoval: “Going out in public.”
Sandoval: “Yes, because I see myself as more of a Breonna Taylor.”
Sandoval: “I thought we were here to talk about my infidelity.”
Sandoval: “While it promotes competition, it unfairly favors big agribusiness and the European auto industry at the expense of small enterprise and family farmers.”
Sandoval: “It’s insulting that people doubt my integrity and think I wouldn’t willingly cheat on my girlfriend of nine years.”
Sandoval: “No, I have absolutely offered to have makeup sex with her multiple times since we separated.”
Sandoval: “Definitely! I think I’ll cheat again!”
Sandoval: “I had that part of my brain removed as soon as I was cast on Vanderpump Rules.”
Sandoval: “I handed them a check for $3 million and they immediately sprinted away.”
Sandoval: “It is a combination of my name and the word ‘candle.’”
Sandoval: “No, I was actually a virgin until this latest season.”
Sandoval: “I would have put more effort into my brooding stare for last season’s promo photos.”
Sandoval: “Oh yeah. I fucking love sex.”
Sandoval: “I’ll let you know once I see which women they add to the cast next season.”