The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With J.K. Rowling

J.K. Rowling: “Tell me which genitals you have right now.”

J.K. Rowling: “Yes, because somehow I always come off as the bad guy when discussing this topic.”

J.K. Rowling: “Threats. Wait, that was a trick question!”

J.K. Rowling: “Nah. That shit is behind a paywall, and I’m not wasting any money on that dogshit excuse for journalism.”

J.K. Rowling: “Hell no. Look, I wrote those books for kids 20 years ago. If you’re still into that shit, you’re a fuckin’ loser.”

J.K. Rowling: “Well, that’s fiction. I’d be very anti-Harry Potter if he were a real person.”

J.K. Rowling: “No. I’m a middle-aged billionaire with access to the latest medical technologies. You’ll keep hearing from me for the next 350 years, at least.”

J.K. Rowling: “Well, I never—look, if you’re going to spew hateful rhetoric at me, we’re going to terminate this interview right here and now. Christ, how low some journalists will stoop! We can continue, but you’re going to have to ask more respectable questions.”

J.K. Rowling: “Yes, I remember like it was yesterday: you see, I was advocating for their total annihilation and then a few of them said some mean words to me on the internet.”

J.K. Rowling: “And what, take all this hate out on my house staff? I already do that, and it doesn’t help.”

J.K. Rowling: “Eh, Leonardo da Vinci was a pedophile and he seems to be doing fine, reputation-wise. I think I’ll probably skate through.”

J.K. Rowling: “To the grave, as do all things.”

J.K. Rowling: “I prefer the term ‘fantastical bigot.’”

J.K. Rowling: “I would say they are separate. I am something of a human being, whereas a book is a stack of word paper. Plus, I have a vagina, whereas a book has a penis.”

J.K. Rowling: “No, I was busy that day protesting a 13-year-old wearing a skirt.”

J.K. Rowling: “Yes, quite.”

J.K. Rowling: “Find the time in your day to practice transphobia every day, even if it’s for only 15 minutes.”

J.K. Rowling: “They can all die, too.”

J.K. Rowling: “Oh, not at all. In fact, in the books, the Gryffindor Seamus Finnigan is an aborted fetus, and he’s quite popular and a very proficient duelist.”

J.K. Rowling: “I just want to say that there are thousands of my fans, potentially millions, who spend time online debating why the wizards didn’t stop the Holocaust. Some of them defend the wizards and concoct all sorts of tortuous explanations for why the wizards didn’t stop the Holocaust. Many of them display a startling lack of actual historical knowledge, and most of them seem entirely unaware that expending so much energy even debating this kind of intercession of fiction into one of humanity’s worst atrocities is fairly grotesque on its face—so I’d just like to say, keep at it! You’re almost there!”

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