A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion obtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public’s enlightenment.
Perhaps the most stunning revelation from the document, the deceased philanthropist’s inclusion on the list suggests he could have had an unseemly second life unrelated to his role as a charitable financier.
Much to the dismay of conservatives, the 48-year-old Minneapolis car salesman is of no relation to the former president.
The Clinton family’s legal and PR teams, however, will be working overtime following the revelation that the late domestic shorthair visited Epstein’s private island over a dozen times in the ’90s.
Nearly 30,000 students, professors, deans, provosts, chefs, custodians, and administrators reportedly visited Epstein’s private island on a school trip.
A tremendously gifted comic actor, Tucker starred in all of the Rush Hour films, which legal experts say more than make up for anything untoward he might have done.
The recently deceased writer of All In The Family and Good Times was reportedly recruited as a boudoir madame at the age of 97 to satisfy the twisted fantasies of attendees at Epstein’s parties.
The automobile insurance mascot has repeatedly denied connections to Epstein and asserted that their connection ended in 2003 in a blowout argument at Manhattan’s Balthazar.
Wait, the Kenricks? As in Julie and Patrick? The kind Methodist couple who lived next door when you were growing up? What the hell? They weren’t even rich.
Salacious details about his personal life do not negate the civil rights icon’s legacy, even if he did earn the Epstein Island nickname Marty No-Pants.
The documents allege the Subway spokesman inappropriately touched several underage sandwich combos at Epstein parties in 2007, 2008, and 2009.
Oof. How is Elon Musk going to explain that?
The messiah reportedly returned to earth for a single day to charter a boat to the Virgin Islands and enjoy an all-expenses-paid vacation on Epstein’s private island.
Once hailed as man’s best friend, dog is certainly going to take a reputation hit after this.
That’s right, the beloved cartoon father of three reportedly flew to Epstein’s private island on the billionaire’s jet, receiving a foot massage from an animated 16-year-old girl on the plane.
The late brothers allegedly rode their comically small motorcycles all over the private island, to the delight of all.
The well-known prophylactic made its way to the island in a damp pocket.
Still just allegations until more evidence emerges, so feel free to continue eating with peanut butter and raisins, even with ranch.
The common bird of prey reportedly flew to Epstein’s island of its own accord in 2007, pecking at various guests and pieces of trash strewn on the ground.
No!!!
The mythological Teutonic beast, known for having the face of a cat and the body of a serpent, reportedly swallowed Epstein whole in 2011, before the disgraced financier made his way out of its gut.
While you probably would have politely declined, it’s still a little messed up that they all went without you and didn’t even say a word.
Looks like Epstein was a bit of a romantic!
Makes you wonder what else the 236-year-old document might be hiding.
The Everybody Loves Raymond creator filmed all 33 episodes of his Netflix food show on Epstein’s island.
Not a good look for the supercomputer.
Sorry, K-pop stans. At least you still have Jimin.
Oof, spoke too soon.
He was on a list of blocked numbers, but a list nonetheless.
They all friended one another in the early days of Facebook.