LEXINGTON, KY—Lamenting that he had squandered a perfectly good case of metastatic colon cancer, local man Josh Talbott told reporters Wednesday that a terminal diagnosis had been wasted on his friend who was already living in the moment. “When the doctors told him he had three months to live, it’s like, whatever, he was already cherishing every moment he had with friends and family, and living every day like it was his last,” said Talbott, adding that the life-ending disease could have been used so much more effectively on someone who didn’t value the precious life they’d been given and desperately needed a wake-up call. “Yeah, it’s sad that his time with us has been cut painfully short, but maybe what’s sadder is that this could have really given someone a new lease on life and taught them to make the most of whatever time they had left. Why would you throw that kind of golden opportunity away on someone who already found peace, love, and joy? Give it to an asshole businessman or something.” Talbott added that while his friend needed a miracle to survive, that would probably be a waste too, because he already believed in a higher power.