Senators Explain What Gun Control Means To Them

“I’m against outsourcing any job that can be better accomplished by these American fists.”

“I believe in the second amendment first, the first amendment second, and the Bible—wait, no, the Bible first, the second amendment second, and the first amendment last. Shit.”

“I’d have to consult with the NRA before responding, at which point we can start the bidding.”

“The mere fact of you asking me this question is grounds enough for me to filibuster Congress for six hours.”

“I’m sure we can find a compromise on a reasonable number of school shootings.”

“Find some bullshit Bible quote about swords or whatever and just put that as my quote, all right?”

“Bringing up gun control legislation to the Senate floor is absolutely critical because publicly opposing it does wonders for my reelection chances.”

“I’d love a ban on assault weapons, but I’ll settle for spray painting them neon or something if that’s what gets constituents off my back.”

“I can get you a great deal on some primo firearm manufacturer stocks that are about to go way, way up.”

“I have a long and proven track record of talking about passing gun control legislation.”

“I like guns, but there are a lot more efficient ways to kill a ton of people.”

“Of course I support gun control, but I’ve also seen first-hand how a plasma rifle can often be the only thing between an astronaut and a full-on extraterrestrial boarding.”

“I think you should be able to concealed carry. I think you should be able to hide whatever you want on your person. Think of all the precious little items each of us carries around, hidden within the folds of our clothes. Ooh! the mind goes all a-titter just imagining those secret treats!”

“Me? Oh, right. I forgot I got elected.”

“I’m in the House of Representatives, remember? It’s a slideshow about senators. Are you paying attention at all? And if not, why are you even reading this?”

“As a combat veteran, I know assault weapons should only be pointed at America’s enemies like women and children in Africa or the Middle East.”

“Plain and simple, it’s an attack on the freedom of Americans to defend ourselves from black joggers in our neighborhoods and Muslim-looking delivery drivers.”

“In Hawaii, we have a saying: ‘What the fuck are you doing with a pistol in your waistband, Dave? Like hell you’re bringing that thing into my house, you fucking lunatic.’”

“Gun control is a mixed bag—I support the ‘gun’ part, but I don’t support the ‘control’ part.”

“Depends. What size donation are we talking about here?”

“Just another disgusting attempt by coastal elite liberals to destroy our proud, traditional culture of senseless mass slaughter.”

“I’m a Democrat from Montana, are you trying to get me killed?”

“RIP Big Bird! That’s what you get when you get the jab! #Bitcoin.”

“I completely support President Clinton’s assault weapons ban and I hope it’s included in the 1994 crime bill.”