Robert F. Kennedy Interview

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been making headlines due to pushing anti-vaccine propaganda, conspiracies about health, and launching his presidential campaign. The Onion sits down with the fringe Democrat to discuss his political principles.

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The Onion: You’re a Kennedy. Aren’t you supposed to be hot?

RFK Jr.: Now you understand the damage vaccines can cause.

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The Onion: What does the “R” stand for?

RFK Jr.: John.

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The Onion: Are you the Kennedy who drove off a bridge or the one who dated Taylor Swift?

RFK Jr.: Yes.

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The Onion: Now, when you sat down, did you feel a small pinch followed by numbness?

RFK Jr.: Now that you mention it, I did. What—what the hell is that, some sort of super vaccine?

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The Onion: Is the 24 in Kennedy24.com because you’re 24 years old or because you’re running in 2024?

RFK Jr.: It’s because I have 24 bones in my body.

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The Onion: What the fuck is wrong with your voice?

RFK Jr.: Vaccine needle stuck in my throat.

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The Onion: “What motivated you to run for office?”

RFK Jr.: The belief I’m the only candidate who can defeat Marianne Williamson.

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The Onion: Why are you courting the support of controversial tech leaders like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey?

RFK Jr.: Because only they understand the need to fight against the American elite controlling this country—vicious people like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey.

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The Onion: You recently caught a lot of flak for saying that antidepressants cause school shootings. Any other batshit takes on medicine you want to rattle off?

RFK Jr.: Oh my god, yes! Antibiotics cause gayness, painkillers cause climate change, sinus medicine is causing the national debt, and, of course, gummy vitamins are responsible for the Holocaust.

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The Onion: Who would you choose as your running mate?

RFK Jr.: This nation needs more compromise, which is why I’m glad to announce Sirhan Sirhan will join me on the campaign trail.

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The Onion: What do you think might set you apart from other Democratic candidates?

RFK Jr.: Well, I’m just an average, working-class guy who, like most Americans, subscribes to the simple belief that Joe Biden drinks the blood of children.

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The Onion: “What do you consider the greatest achievement of your environmental law career?”

RFK Jr.: My work with the Natural Resources Defense Council protecting our rivers and lakes from autism.

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The Onion: How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth at once, and why do you believe that you could fit more in your mouth than anyone else running?

RFK Jr.: [Inaudible]

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The Onion: Who is the Q Shaman?

RFK Jr: The people who think it’s my still-living cousin are very close—it is my cousin, but on my mom’s side. His name is Nestor Skakel, and he’s a hoot.

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The Onion: How do you feel about Dr. Fauci?

RFK Jr.: Look, we don’t see eye to eye sometimes, but I love the guy. When you’re as close as we are, there’s just bound to be some disagreements.

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The Onion: Now, in promotional partnership with Warner Bros. Studios, are you a Barbie girl in a Barbie world? Barbie in theaters July 21.”

RFK Jr.: I may have been born a Barbie girl, but I’m totally against the Barbie World Order as it currently stands.

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The Onion: What are the most important civil liberties?

RFK Jr: The right to own a sleeping bag, freedom of muttering, and the right to play leapfrog in a nice park in the twilight.

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The Onion: What are your qualifications?

RFK Jr.: Haven’t been shot yet.

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The Onion: “What do you believe is your unique appeal that will set you apart to voters, given the crowded field and your relative political inexperience outside of your brand name?

RFK Jr.: Well, I have a bomb strapped to my chest. How convincing do you find that?

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The Onion: What will you be doing to cement your affiliation to your uncle and father?

RFK Jr: I’ll be traveling with both of their skulls and letting the press take photos of me next to them with a big, goofy smile!

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The Onion: Do you ever get nervous about the “Kennedy Curse”?

RFK Jr.: I used to, but now that I’ve been assassinated five times, it doesn’t scare me so much anymore.

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The Onion: What do you say to those who criticize your wife for standing by you as you continually spew dangerous misinformation?

RFK Jr: I would tell them that no matter how much she or any of them make you laugh, they’re rich, and the rich are not your friends, no matter what. We live in a binary system of unmovable classes: us, the wealthy; and them, the poor. You will never be us, and we barely register your existence. She is great on Curb, though.

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The Onion: “What do you think happens after we die?”

RFK Jr.: A sloppy CIA cover-up.

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The Onion: You were given so much—a respected name, millions in wealth, notoriety in the media—and this is what you chose to do with it?

RFK Jr: I know. I could have founded a healthy and sustainable soup-in-a-carton business called Kennedy’s Hearty Soups, and I fucked it all up! Oh God, who the fuck am I?! What am I?

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The Onion: Where were you on Nov. 22, 1963?

RFK Jr.: Are you implying I had something to do with my uncle’s death?

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The Onion: We’re just doing our due diligence, sir.

RFK Jr.: I was 9 years old, for God’s sake. I resent the implication. This is unconscionable. I—

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The Onion: Answer the question: What were you doing?

RFK Jr.: Fine! Fine, goddamnit! I shot JFK. I was trained by Soviet operatives on a specially modified rifle that could accommodate my tiny fingers. They never would have expected a little kid. But you sons of bitches had to go digging, didn’t you? You have no idea what you’ve just unearthed. You’ll rue the day you dug too deep into something you can’t possibly comprehend.

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The Onion: Where do you see yourself in five years?

RFK Jr: Barricading myself inside the White House as the Deep State agents close in.

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The Onion: Who are you voting for?

RFK Jr.: Biden.

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Exclusive Interview With Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

The Onion: You’re a Kennedy. Aren’t you supposed to be hot?

The Onion: You’re a Kennedy. Aren’t you supposed to be hot?

The Onion: What does the “R” stand for?

The Onion: What does the “R” stand for?

The Onion: Are you the Kennedy who drove off a bridge or the one who dated Taylor Swift?

The Onion: Are you the Kennedy who drove off a bridge or the one who dated Taylor Swift?

The Onion: Now, when you sat down, did you feel a small pinch followed by numbness?

The Onion: Now, when you sat down, did you feel a small pinch followed by numbness?

The Onion: Is the 24 in Kennedy24.com because you’re 24 years old or because you’re running in 2024?

The Onion: Is the 24 in Kennedy24.com because you’re 24 years old or because you’re running in 2024?

The Onion: What the fuck is wrong with your voice?

The Onion: What the fuck is wrong with your voice?

The Onion: “What motivated you to run for office?”

The Onion: “What motivated you to run for office?”

The Onion: Why are you courting the support of controversial tech leaders like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey?

The Onion: Why are you courting the support of controversial tech leaders like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey?

The Onion: You recently caught a lot of flak for saying that antidepressants cause school shootings. Any other batshit takes on medicine you want to rattle off?

The Onion: You recently caught a lot of flak for saying that antidepressants cause school shootings. Any other batshit takes on medicine you want to rattle off?

The Onion: Who would you choose as your running mate?

The Onion: Who would you choose as your running mate?

The Onion: What do you think might set you apart from other Democratic candidates?

The Onion: What do you think might set you apart from other Democratic candidates?

The Onion: “What do you consider the greatest achievement of your environmental law career?”

The Onion: “What do you consider the greatest achievement of your environmental law career?”

The Onion: How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth at once, and why do you believe that you could fit more in your mouth than anyone else running?

The Onion: How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth at once, and why do you believe that you could fit more in your mouth than anyone else running?

The Onion: Who is the Q Shaman?

The Onion: Who is the Q Shaman?

The Onion: How do you feel about Dr. Fauci?

The Onion: How do you feel about Dr. Fauci?

The Onion: Now, in promotional partnership with Warner Bros. Studios, are you a Barbie girl in a Barbie world? Barbie in theaters July 21.”

The Onion: Now, in promotional partnership with Warner Bros. Studios, are you a Barbie girl in a Barbie world? Barbie in theaters July 21.”

The Onion: What are the most important civil liberties?

The Onion: What are the most important civil liberties?

The Onion: What are your qualifications?

The Onion: What are your qualifications?

The Onion: “What do you believe is your unique appeal that will set you apart to voters, given the crowded field and your relative political inexperience outside of your brand name?

The Onion: “What do you believe is your unique appeal that will set you apart to voters, given the crowded field and your relative political inexperience outside of your brand name?

The Onion: What will you be doing to cement your affiliation to your uncle and father?

The Onion: What will you be doing to cement your affiliation to your uncle and father?

The Onion: Do you ever get nervous about the “Kennedy Curse”?

The Onion: Do you ever get nervous about the “Kennedy Curse”?

The Onion: What do you say to those who criticize your wife for standing by you as you continually spew dangerous misinformation?

The Onion: What do you say to those who criticize your wife for standing by you as you continually spew dangerous misinformation?

The Onion: “What do you think happens after we die?”

The Onion: “What do you think happens after we die?”

The Onion: You were given so much—a respected name, millions in wealth, notoriety in the media—and this is what you chose to do with it?

The Onion: You were given so much—a respected name, millions in wealth, notoriety in the media—and this is what you chose to do with it?

The Onion: Where were you on Nov. 22, 1963?

The Onion: Where were you on Nov. 22, 1963?

The Onion: We’re just doing our due diligence, sir.

The Onion: We’re just doing our due diligence, sir.

The Onion: Answer the question: What were you doing?

The Onion: Answer the question: What were you doing?

The Onion: Where do you see yourself in five years?

The Onion: Where do you see yourself in five years?

The Onion: Who are you voting for?

The Onion: Who are you voting for?

You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...