Amid book bans, Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ law, and vocal protests against drag brunches, one word keeps popping up again and again: grooming. The Onion asked right-wing parents to try to define the word they love to throw around so much, and this is what they said.
“I guess I should’ve thought about that before I got my kid’s teacher fired.”
“Anything that happens outside the sanctity of child marriage.”
“Since when do people need to fully understand a concept before violently accusing people of engaging in it.”
“When teachers brainwash kids into thinking they’re gay or trans or have a fatal peanut allergy.”
“Oh, sure, give you a definition so you know exactly what to do, you sick grooming son-of-a-bitch?”
“I don’t know how to define grooming, but I know it when I do it.”
“Grooming is when you try to normalize deviant behavior in the view of children, like by wearing a wedding ring.”
“It’s when someone teaches my kid something.”
“It’s what I accused my son’s teacher of after she gave him a C- in history.”
“It’s my only response in any argument.”
“It’s when a person and a child begin…uh… Let me try again. Basically, when… It’s like… You know what? Honestly, I just don’t like gay people.”
“Giving an impressionable child directions to New York City.”
“Grooming is when adults initiate sexual relationships with children by assigning them active reading of Beloved.”
“Any time a drag queen reads a book aloud.”
“It’s requiring my young children to hear the automated phone systems say ‘para español, oprima numero dos.’ Horrific.”
“Just turn on the TV! I’m sick of the liberal media trying to turn my child bride gay.”
“When you tell a child anything I disagree with.”