The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said.
“I decided I was done working for low pay and no respect and instead sought out a higher paying job with no respect.”
“Once I got that $500,000 loan from the paycheck protection program in my account, I knew it was time to shut things down for good and fire my employees.”
“I didn’t so much quit as I died.”
“Food service used to be an industry where workers were compensated well, had access to health benefits, and were treated with dignity. The pandemic changed all that.”
“In these conditions, I don’t feel I would have the resources to treat my employees as poorly as I am accustomed to.”
“Someone tipped me 200%, and I retired thinking I’d hit it rich. Unfortunately, the 200% tip was on a $3.80 check.”
“I realized I can just clean dishes on my own time at home without dedicating my whole life to the craft.”
“Oh, I was just doing that for the summer because my parents wanted me to have a taste of working-class life before I went to Vassar.”
“Got trapped in one of the outdoor-dining street globes for three weeks.”
“When I got out of the hospital, my boss told me that I had resigned from my position 10 days ago.”
“I decided there was a limit to how many times one should be punched in the face during a shift at a Thai restaurant.”
“We ran out of asparagus.”
“I decided to give back to society by changing careers and becoming one of those animals that goes room to room and cheers up sick people in hospitals.”
“Lemme guess. You’ve never been tipped with a Bible verse.”
“The low wages took all the fun out of making 150 lattes a day.”
“I forgot how to make fajitas, and it’s too embarrassing to ask for help.”
“Once I saw people making their own terrible sourdough bread, I had to go.”
“If I’m gonna die from Covid, it won’t be from some dude shrieking in my face about not getting enough shrimp in his stir-fry.”