DAYTON, OH—Noting that everyone else in this house was somehow able to act like a functioning member of society, a new report published Thursday found that the rest of the family was ready to do the annual turkey trot if you were done with your little pity party. “Well, you can either spend all day sulking in your room like a child, or you can get over yourself and spend some time with your family at the fun run,” the report read in part, adding that the turkey trot was a holiday tradition, but if you’d rather hurt your mother’s feelings and break the family apart by continuing to be a crabby little know-it-all, then that was fine too. “The data revealed that even though you crossed a line, your mom is taking the high road and is going to run the 5k with your siblings regardless of whether you decide to ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving. Apparently, you’d rather make your mother cry instead of doing something nice for once in your life. You know she’s getting old. She won’t be around forever.”At press time, the report had been retracted by its authors after a conflicting study found that fine, if you don’t want to have a good time, then the rest of the family doesn’t want you there anyway.