BALLATER, SCOTLAND—Ruling her official cause of death as suicide, sources confirmed Friday that Queen Elizabeth II shot herself in her bunker with her service pistol as enemy forces closed in. “Rather than surrender, Queen Elizabeth died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head,” said sources, who shared that the queen’s body had been dragged out from her subterranean shelter at Balmoral Castle to the garden, where a servant burned and buried the queen’s body alongside those of her beloved pet corgis, which had been force-fed cyanide capsules. “As it became clear she could not win, she turned to her only option. Though she fought long and hard, the queen was terrified of being taken alive. A long, humiliating, and painful trial awaited her, and she wanted to ensure that she went out on her own terms rather than dying in prison.” At press time, sources added the queen’s suicide was partly motivated by fear she would be strung up by her heels in the streets, as had happened only days earlier with Joe Biden.