MOSCOW—Pausing their foreplay to haphazardly look around for a prophylactic, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly told his girlfriend Thursday that he has been hit with serious sanctions on condoms. “I’m sorry, babe, these sanctions keep getting more and more extreme,” said the longtime leader currently in the midst of an ongoing war with Ukraine, blaming the increasingly extreme sanctions from G7 countries over the course of the conflict as the reasoning for why they “pretty much have no other choice” than to do it bareback tonight. “They’re really limiting the kinds of products we can get here in an effort to make me cave and surrender, but I have to hold strong—you understand, right? As you know, prices are outrageous, there’s a blockade on a lot of stuff, and the best thing we can do for the people of Russia is to act like a lack of condoms doesn’t affect us in the least. We could stick to hand or mouth stuff tonight, but that is playing into exactly what Zelensky and Biden want. Plus, it would violate the Geneva Convention not to continue our love-making right when things are heating up. So, should I keep going, or…” At press time, Putin dramatically condemned the stern oil sanctions on Russia as the reason he could not give his girlfriend a ride home afterward.