MOSCOW—Saying the passing of his best buddies never got easier, Russian President Vladimir Putin was reportedly distraught Friday over the loss of friends who kept dying under mysterious circumstances. “It just breaks my heart to go to all these funerals of people I loved who have suddenly and suspiciously left this world,” said a teary-eyed Putin, observing how painful it had been to watch as his closest confidants died from radioactive poisonings and plane crashes before their time. “When so many of your friends have gone, it really puts into perspective how fleeting life is, because you realize how easy it is for someone to up and die one day from an unconvincing suicide that is never fully investigated. It just seems so unfair that it only seems to happen to people close to me.” At press time, Putin claimed he wouldn’t know what to do if anything ever happened to his good friend Alexei Navalny.