HOT SPRINGS, AR—Shocked by the healthcare professional’s refusal to fill her prescription, local woman Claire Murphy was reportedly denied birth control pills Tuesday on the grounds that the pharmacist was her son from the future. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but for moral and ethical reasons, I cannot give you a prescription that would prevent me from being born,” said the pharmacist, who claimed that today was the date of his conception, and therefore, in accordance with his rights under the law, he would not provide her with any contraceptives. “Listen, I’ve seen the multiverses where you take your Sprintec, and trust me, it’s not pretty. In fact, it’s hell. This may be difficult for you to wrap your head around, since you are still very young and have yet to conceive or birth me, but in the future I am the very powerful leader of a worldwide group of pharmacists. Any questions?” At press time, the pharmacist added that he and Murphy needed to have sex right now.