In a 213-208 vote, House Republicans passed a bill that would allow parents more control over the way issues like race, sexuality, and gender are handled in their children’s schools. The Onion asked Republicans why they support the Parents Bill of Rights Act, and this is what they said.
“A Parents Bill of Rights simply offers parents more screaming opportunities, adding an important level of screaming to our communities and unhinging the jaws of all parents so our screaming mouths can never be closed.”
“I want to make my child’s teacher’s life a living hell because she’s young and beautiful, and it reminds me I will die one day.”
“I don’t understand why children are reading disturbing, age-inappropriate books when they could be watching cool shit like Drive. Drive is awesome.”
“I hope it will pave the way to someday institute a Bill of Rights for the whole nation.”
“It’s important for parents to know which children are trans so that not only trans kids, but also their families, can be targeted for torment.”
“Because mumsy knows best!”
“I don’t want some SJW teacher telling my impressionable young wife what is and isn’t considered pornography.”
“My ultimate goal is to erode the entire American education system until each school is just one crying teacher and thousands of shrieking parents beating them to death with a baseball bat.”
“I signed over all of my authority for one dry-erase marker that works.”
“I have lots of ideas for new letters of the alphabet I’d like to invent.”
“For some reason, the beef lobby paid me $2 million to vote for it, and I’m not about to ask why.”
“The tyranny of the children must end.”
“School is hard enough for teachers, kids, and parents as it is. So I thought, ‘What if I could make it even harder?’”
“Parents have a right to make sure that the next generation is as stupid and hateful as they are.”
“It’s my right as a parent to make my child’s trans classmates feel dehumanized and uncomfortable.”
“It is every parent’s right to dictate what other parents are forced to put up with.”
“In order to redirect my internalized hatred of myself and who I am into hatred of others, duh.”