Onion Sports’ NFL Week 9 Picks

Eagles: Expect Philadelphia to finish off the Texans by the end of the first quarter and leave early to catch a flight back home.

Falcons: The Chargers return ready to squander the rest they got on their bye week.

Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa continues to prove wrong the doubters who claim an NFL quarterback needs a fully functioning brain.

Bills: Buffalo will be well rested coming off a relaxing bye week against the Packers.

Panthers: Expect a low-energy affair at Paycor Stadium, as the good citizens of Ohio will be too busy voting in their crucial swing state and, with democracy on the ballot, won’t be bothering with something so trivial as a football game.

Lions: Expect the Packers to forget to run the ball again this week.

Raiders: Expect Davante Adams to take Derek Carr’s 4-yard-bombs to the house as he spins and jukes his way through the Jaguars’ depleted secondary.

Patriots: With last week’s victory over the Jets, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick moved into first place for the most wins all-time by an immortal agent of Satan.

Commanders: Washington owner Dan Snyder continues to show impressive agility in avoiding consequences.

Seahawks: The Cardinals will be much more prepared to build upon their latest defeat and put together a solid losing streak.

Buccaneers: An energized Tom Brady will dominate the Rams now that he’s no longer bogged down with having to remember his children’s names.

Chiefs: This game could finally resolve the Patrick Mahomes vs. Ryan Tannehill debate.

Saints: New Orleans’ defense finally got going against the Raiders last week after restarting its bounty program.