Onion Sports’ NFL Week 8 Picks

Ravens: Is Brady finally done? Jesus fucking Christ, could it be? Could we all potentially be released at last from this torment, from the omnipresent spread of Brady, and the chaos and disaster he has wrought across the league? Could that glorious day finally be here?

Broncos: Low scoring is expected as rising fuel costs in London will force this game to be played in the dark.

Panthers: This is a gut check moment for the Falcons, who really need to get their shit together if they want any chance at tanking for the first overall pick.

Cowboys: The Dallas defense may struggle early on when trying to remove chunks of Justin Fields from their face-masks.

Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa’s remaining brain cells should be enough to put the Dolphins over the top.

Cardinals: The Cardinals’ only path to victory is holding star Vikings wideout Justin Jefferson to under 40 receptions.

Raiders: Saints quarterback Jameis Winston is ready to return from injury and show that he can be the face of the franchise’s decline.

Jets: The Patriots’ quarterback controversy has given new life to the team’s pathetic beat reporters.

Eagles: The Eagles are hoping to win, and who are we, in these all too dark and chaotic times, to trample upon the hopes of the still-virile young?

Commanders: A Washington win here would be a real feel-good story for struggling owner Dan Snyder.

You: The OnionBank sportsbook gives Tennessee +3.5 odds, so all you have to do is sign up for our $100-a-month subscription betting service and untold millions will be yours, champ. God, you’re so smart for doing this.

Rams: The 49ers will be looking to immediately incorporate newly acquired star Christian McCaffery into the team’s injured reserve.

Seahawks: Geno Smith continues to prove the Seahawks were right to deal away Russell Wilson, just like we always said they would be. We’ve been mailing letters to the Seahawks for years telling them to get rid of you, Russell Wilson! The Onion has been on the Wilson Hate Train for going on a decade now, and we’ve never felt more vindicated. Hey Russell—fuck you!

Bills: In a potential sign that aging is catching up with the Green Bay quarterback, Aaron Rodgers has looked wildly inaccurate while throwing teammates under the bus.

Bengals: Cincinnati will cruise to an easy victory despite the Browns leading the NFL in excuses for giving $230 million guaranteed to a serial predator.