Dads. Almost everyone has between one and one thousand, and it’s about time to give them their due. This Father’s Day, you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t lavishing your special dad or 1,000 dads with a gift that speaks to their own special interests. The Onion provides recommendations for the best Father’s Day gifts for each of the different types of dad.
Weber Clothes Smoker: Dad won’t ever be without the aroma of his favorite charred brisket tips with this hickory smoker that slowly cooks up to three shirts at a time.
Brunswick Pin Detector: This device alerts bowlers to the presence of pins within 100 feet, helping Dad roll his bowling ball in the most optimal direction.
A Fake ID: Even if you don’t approve of his actions, you can still help your dad flee government persecution.
Engraved Bottle Of Whiskey: Perhaps repeatedly seeing the names of his loved ones will be the wake-up call he needs.
Cologne: So even when you can’t see your dad, you can still smell where he is.
A Picture Of Holly: This baby is yours, okay? Stop pretending you don’t know that. Look at her eyes. They’re your eyes. So step the fuck up and be a man.
Rock ’n’ Roll Fantasy Camp: For three days Dad will get to be a real-life rock star, receiving guitar lessons, songwriting tips, and a visit from Richie Sambora himself!
BTECH Ham Radio: Western views of masculinity have been horrible for men trapped on islands, but with this amateur radio set, he can signal for help in a manly way.
A 2-Minute Conversation: Gary will be thrilled to talk about the Phillies for a full 120 seconds.
A Good Lawyer: Even if he didn’t do anything illegal, he definitely knows someone who has.
A Card: What more does he want? He knows he doesn’t get Mother’s Day treatment.
The Sublingual Complete Ken Burns: Help Dad absorb the Ken Burns catalog in record time with this dissolvable under-the-tongue strip that delivers World War II facts straight to his bloodstream.
Hobby Lobby Double-Paned Picture Frame: Don’t make Dad choose on his special day. This sleek frame can hold two family photos side by side.
Bronzed Sperms That Didn’t Make It: Memorialize all Dad’s fallen sperm that failed to fertilize an egg by having them bronzed.
GenCrafts Watercolor Paint Palette: Perfect for the up-and-coming artist trying to fill the void left by no longer having access to America’s military.
Saab Engineless Convertible: If your father’s vision is waning and he can no longer safely drive, this new engineless Saab will look great remaining stationary in the driveway.
REI Tree Drone: This camera-equipped quadcopter mini-drone is disguised in bark and leaves, allowing Dad to view trees up close without frightening them off.
Yogi Berra’s Left Hand: The hand that caught Don Larsen’s perfect game in Game 5 of the 1956 World Series.
Fancy Belt That Was A Great Deal: Guess how much it was? Really, go on and guess.
Cosy House Luxury Bamboo Pillow: You know what needs to be done.