[NOTE: Do Not Run Until Fucking Queen Is Dead Or People Will Lose Their Shit] Queen Elizabeth Dead At 96

[ED. — DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL AWFUL LADY IN THE GROUND]

LONDON—After 70[?] years as the ruling monarch of the United Kingdom and [CHECK HOW MANY COUNTRIES SHE’S IN CHARGE OF OR ELSE TWITTER PEDANTS WILL GET MAD] Queen Elizabeth died [PEACEFULLY OR PAINFULLY—COPY WHATEVER BBC OBIT SAYS] in [TK LOCATION] at the age of 89. A child [ONLY? CHECK IF BROTHERS AND SISTERS] of King George VI and [LOOK UP MOTHER’S NAME], she ascended to the throne in 19[TK DO NOT GET THIS WRONG OR PEOPLE WILL BE MAD] following the death of her father, and during her reign presided over such events as the Troubles in Ireland, decolonization in Africa [NOTE: CAN IT BE THAT RECENT? DOUBLE-CHECK], and Brexit. She married Philip Mountbatten in 1947, beginning a [TK ADJECTIVE] royal union that lasted [TK] years until [NOTE: DID HE DIE? CHECK. IF HE DID, WE FORGOT TO RUN AN OBIT], in which they had four children: Prince Charles, the heir apparent, as well as Princess [TK], Prince [TK], and Prince Andrew [NOTE: CHECK ANDREW’S LATEST ROYAL STATUS RE: PEDOPHILIA ALLEGATIONS]. In addition to her children, the queen is survived by [INSERT SOME BULLSHIT HERE ABOUT HER DO-NOTHING PROGENY]. As Britain’s first lady queen [PROBABLY LOOK THIS UP], she had a memorable reign, with other significant events of her life including [LIST WHATEVER WE HAVE TIME FOR, PUBLICATION URGENT BUT ONLY UPON SURE THING SHE FINALLY FUCKING DEAD]. In the nation’s capital, Parliament [CONGRESS?] held a period of mourning, while U.K. Prime Minister [INSERT WHICHEVER DUMBFUCK PRIME MINISTER NOW] reflected on her long life, saying [COPY QUOTES FROM BBC].

[REMINDER: DO NOT CLICK PUBLISH UNTIL CONFIRMATION OLD FUCKER DEAD, WE REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WHEN GEORGE VI CROAKED]