Elon Musk’s company Neuralink confirmed that dozens of its primate test subjects died after having medical devices implanted in their brains. The Onion asked Neuralink monkeys what it’s like working with the billionaire tech genius, and this is what they said.
“Much like all his employees, I pray for the sweet release of death.”
“While I never ended up meeting him, I do admire him for being able to add torturing monkeys to his busy schedule of running tech companies into the ground.”
“It was kind of uncomfortable when he offered to buy me a private jet in exchange for getting me pregnant.”
“Anytime one of us earned a grape for completing a task, he insisted on getting a grape, too.”
“I can’t complain because he also keeps the SpaceX employees in cages.”
“More people would be disgusted by animal experimentation if they knew that Elon subjected us to his rants about remote work.”
“He’s pretty cool, I guess, but honestly I fuck with Rogan and Jake Paul way harder.”
“Some of the monkeys laugh at everything he says, even though you can tell it’s fake laughter, but he can’t tell it’s fake. Or maybe he can and just wants to wield power over them? In any case, I wish they’d stop.”
“He’s always asking to get drinks after work, and I keep having to come up with excuses.”
“He’s got such a weird vibe that I asked for clothes to wear.”
“Pretty chill so far. He’s just going to jam a bunch of circuitry in my brain, and then I guess I can go home.”
“I just got promoted to lead engineer at X!”
“All I know for sure is that I have way more impulse control than he does.”
“The Harambe jokes get old after the 170th time you hear them.”
“Every day I wonder why I couldn’t be one of the lucky ones whose brain exploded.”
“My sacrifice will be worth it if it furthers his dystopian vanity project.”
“He’s the only person I’ve ever met, and I still can tell he’s the least funny human alive.”
[Unintelligible gurgling]